My Ear Candy #39 Fiona van Aswegen

I would like to say I’m rarely left feeling inadequate but, on reflection, this isn’t strictly true. I regularly come across individuals who’s stories are so inspiring that I wonder what the hell I’ve been doing with my grubby life all these years, and Fiona, my radio guest last week, was of that ilk. She shared enough snippets from her life to have me questioning my own four decade lurch from fiasco to farrago, unintentionally having me contemplate my naval. It’s probably best I don’t dwell upon this psychiatrist’s chair any longer though or the straight jacket brigade will be knocking on my door forthwith.

Fiona travelled in from Perth, her husband, Peter, chauffeuring and vowing not to speak on air himself, a vow he honoured despite my attempts to dissuade him. It is he who’s responsible for the South African surname by the way (that’s a matter of fact not criticism.) Fiona was born and bred in Perth, studied at St Andrews University then spent time travelling around Africa before returning to Scotland where she picked up a career in music. Perhaps you’re beginning to empathise with my sense of inadequacy now. These days she has a business called Kranôg which provides innovative, luxury, self catering accommodation, brilliant looking units of substantial quality, take a look for yourself here. We had a good chat about the likely locations for such inventive accommodation and agreed that rural settings seemed to lend themselves rather more than the inner city suburbs that I’m accustomed too. I’m not sure her gaffs would be well placed alongside Birmingham’s canals which boast discarded shopping trolleys and beer cans floating limply atop murky, orange waters.

Turning to Fiona’s musical choices, I did manage to discover room for improvement in an area of her life. And while we’re at it, she doesn’t like football either so that’s crying out for attention too. The first track Fiona shared was a winner, Freddie Mercury and some opera singer warbling a duet called ‘Barcelona’, a triumph indeed. It was the only track I recognised though and while followed by a listenable piano piece, the choices thereafter weakened with a shocker in particular from Mika (who I learn I’m the only person in the wider world never to have heard of). A pleasant ditty by a South African hero named Johnny Clegg rounded off proceedings, a man I’d never heard of either, to my shame, check this link out to find out what an inspirational guy he is.

Big thanks to Fiona and Peter for being such super company, hopefully we’ll see them back at Mearns FM in the near future by which time I’ll have brushed up on my South African heroes and perhaps done something worthwhile with my life. Nurse!

Fiona’s selections
1. Freddie Mercury & Montserrat Caballé, “Barcelona”
2. David Helfgott, “Flight of the Bumblebee”
3. Mika, “Big Girl (You are Beautiful)”
4. Freshly Ground, “Doo be Doo”
5. Salsa Celtica, “Yo me Voy”
6. Johny Clegg, “Impi”

My Ear Candy #38 Billy Mitchell

Billy Mitchell joined me in the studio this week where, for once, we were blessed with an absence of din from the neighbouring main hall, there’s usually a ceilidh or some such going on but not this week. He’d travelled up from Forfar, a place dear to my heart since it’s my mum’s hometown, and brought his fiancé Jo to keep order. Either Billy is every woman’s dream and Jo couldn’t afford to let him loose on an adoring female public, or, she just fancied a night out. 

The evening got off to a terrific start, the first of his six selections being The Pixies ‘Debaser’, a rollicking indie track, a ten out of ten knockout of a song. He followed this classic however with a collection of less triumphant numbers but I’m slowly learning not to mock the choices of others, even the ugliest of babies have their admirers, someone’s gotta love them. There’s a full list below, decide for yourselves.

Billy is a colleague of mine at Barclays Bank, the pair of us shuffling through our working lives with oodles of cash lying around us, none of which we’re permitted to get our dirty mitts on, regrettably. We’ve talked of effecting a midnight heist but bottled it so far and now that I’ve gone and put that plan on radar here, I doubt we’ll ever get the chance to fill our loot bags with swag before scarpering off into the sunset. All’s not lost though, he has a wedding to pay for in October and you know how much these things cost, he might well have to join me for the old Butch Cassidy routine after all.

I had no idea Billy was an American footballer, that’s to say he’s a Scotsman that plays American football. He informed our audience that a match takes as long as four hours, no wonder the game’s never caught on over here. Besides, we have our own version in the UK, it’s called ‘rugby’ and, unlike the American version, doesn’t involve the putting on of shoulder pads, lipstick and eye shadow. He didn’t accept this comparison and suggested it was indeed a tough sport, but I wasn’t persuaded. 

A good evening was had by all and Billy the. headed off with Jo in search of a pizzeria, an insult really to Stonehaven, the home of deep fried Mars Bars. Some people.

Billy’s selections

Debaser - The Pixies
Cult of Personality - Living Colour
Latch - Disclosure
Sail - Awolnation
Young, Dumb and Broke - Khalid
Still Into You - Paramore

My Ear Candy #37 Alison Ellis

I pen this week’s missive with trepidation since my guest on Friday was Alison Ellis, boasting copywriting skills amongst many of her talents. Botch this and I’ll have enough egg on my face to make an omelette. I’m already wondering if I shouldn’t have split that first sentence into two and as for the use of emojis, I assume these are an industry standard ‘no-no’ but I can't help myself 🙄😬😎.

Alison owns Aberdeen based public relations company Korero, assisting businesses with their internal and external connections. PR is as much about communicating with your own workforce as it is positioning yourself to the wider world and that’s where Korero come in. Have a gander here to get a fuller flavour or better still, choose Stoney Baloney from this Listen Again link and you’ll hear Alison describe her business firsthand. Just fast forward for the bit when she plays ‘Rhythm Is A Dancer’.

So, onto the music and the merits, or otherwise, thereof. At the eleventh hour, Alison was forced to revise her selections since one of them was discovered to be so expletive ridden that we’d have been dragged off air within thirty seconds. Jurassic 5 are fine rappers but their mothers’ ought to wash their potty mouths out with soap. Iggy Pop replaced them with his ‘Lust For Life’, a fine choice in stark contrast to the lamentable ‘Rhythm Is A Dancer’ which had been played earlier, I’ll never forgive myself for the absentminded head bobbing during its airing, boo to studio webcams, I’m now bang to rights. It’s high time I set firmer ground rules regards guests’ choices, there’s just not enough jangly guitared indie, synth driven electro or Bob Dylan to my liking. Such oversights will drive my audience figures southwards and given I’m not into Chris Evans territory quite yet, it needs addressing pronto.

Speaking of audiences, it was a pleasure to have Alison’s four year old daughters, Bella, listening in, although 9.30pm is surely beyond bedtime even if it isn’t a school night. My kids are the same mind you, eking every last waking hour out until their eyelids can take no more. How different, however, when you reach forty something status and the reverse becomes true, I’d kill for an 8pm finish.

The show fair barrelled along as we addressed the merits of male dancing (to my mind there are none), the ‘English, Scottish or British’ argument (both of us claiming to be all three), backpacking, journalism, radio, this and indeed that. Alison is dead to the concept of football chat and for once this was a good thing, I’ve got the hump since Villa lost out on automatic promotion and have no desire to talk about pig bladders right now.

Thank you Alison for a splendid evening, do come back soon (minus the foul mouthed Jurassic 5) and apologies for the lame writing style herewith, consider it an equaliser against your calamitous Snap selection.

Alison’s selections
Malcolm Mclaren – Double Dutch
The Chemical Bothers - Hey Girl, Hey Boy
Snap - Rhythm Is A Dancer
Iggy Pop – Lust For Life
The Supernaturals – Smile
Otis Reading – Sitting On The Dock Of a The Bay.

My Ear Candy #36 Amy Smith

We had a belter of a show on Friday night for which I take no credit, all thanks going to my special guest Amy, and her fiancé, Andrew. You can listen to a re-run here, just choose the Stoney Baloney Show 

They’d snuck down the A90 from Aberdeen to share Amy’s favourite songs and a good time was had by all, despite the irritating distraction of a Neil Diamond & Johnny Cash tribute act performing in the adjacent room, we broadcast from within Stonehaven Town Hall you see. On any other night I might have bought a ticket but instead we found ourselves serenaded by Ring Of Fire and Forever In Blue Jeans while attempting to share meaningful conversation. I’ll be writing a strongly worded letter to the management and no mistake.

Amy has an architectural drawing business called PaQ Design, those few words alone filling me with a deep sense of inadequacy since I couldn’t even draw a stick man. She spends her days designing new interiors for private and business premises, have a gander right here for the full story. Thankfully, given I am to hoarding what Birmingham City are to class,  she’s more than capable of satisfying the demands of us minimalists so a redesign of my shoebox of a gaff is not beyond her, I’ll be in touch. We exchanged pleasantries and established that Amy and Andrew had lived, until relatively recently, in that monumental goldfish bowl people refer to as ‘London’, then tucked into her musical choices which, while providing rich pickings, sadly culminated in a lamentable stinker.

There are two golden rules in community radio; 1) no profanity, and 2) no politics. The second of these we honoured without issue but the first found Amy endeavouring to throw me under a bus, selecting no less than three songs which carried expletives. Thankfully I’m a broadcaster of considerable repute so had the foresight to play her selections to myself earlier in the day, I therefore prepared radio edit versions otherwise this would be the last show I ever broadcasted. Amy Winehouse provided the opening number and flippin’ Bruno Mars the last, a reprehensible selection with which to end, the only saving grace being that the 10 o’clock Sky News kicked in to sabotage it halfway through.

The jewel in the crown though was a terrific number recorded by The Prophets back in 1966. The drummer, Stuart Geddis, is Amy’s uncle and the band were lined up for great things but, like so many good bands, they didn’t break through to the big time. So what though? Thanks to the internet we still have access to nuggets such as this which we can replay to our hearts content and I recommend you give the track a whirl too, just click here, The Prophets.

Before I sign off with a full list of Amy’s six chosen tracks, it’d be remiss of me not to hurl pelters in the direction of her fiancé, Andrew. Despite being in all other regards a gentleman of integrity and kindness, unquestionably devoted to his wife-to-be, here stands an emperor with no clothes, a charlatan, a turncoat and a fraud. Be warned Amy, you’re marrying a glory hunter, an individual who rather than offering support to his local provincial football club, chooses instead to latch onto the repugnant Manchester United and until you address this elephant in the room, I believe your impending marriage ought to be put on ice. No offence, but you owe it to yourself and your family to demand a written explanation from this man before you exchange your wedding vows. In this explanation, he must describe how, despite hailing from Buckie on the Moray Firth, he’s prepared to nail his colours to the Manchester United mast. And while you’re at it, ask him which club denied his the domestic treble at Wembley in 1994 😁👌.

Amy’s Selections
Amy Winehouse – Tears Dry on Their Own
Kings of Leon – Fans
Gregory Porter - Holding On
The Phantoms – Since I Lost my Baby 
Childish Gambino – Redbone
Bruno Mars – Locked Out of Heaven

My Ear Candy #35 Kris Soutar

Kris Soutar and I are second cousins or cousins, depending on who I’m speaking to and what the context is. Let me explain. Our respective parents are full-on first cousins, but, since Kris is a world renowned tennis coach working closely alongside megastar Judy Murray, I have been known to refer to him simply as ‘cousin’. And such nepotism gets even more shameless. If I spot him on telly sitting with the Murray family at a Davis cup tie I claim him as my brother and when he’s found parading in Wimbledon’s royal box he becomes my wife. Gimme a break, if people allow their coat tails to drag on the floor it’s rude not to climb aboard.

Kris came onto my show on a Friday evening and told Mearns FM listeners about his life in tennis, an inspirational story for sure. When a teenager he decided tennis would be his vocation and he’s followed that path for thirty years, coaching, mentoring and teaching players of all levels, sharing the deep passion he has for the game. He’s made tennis his life, inspired thousands to improve and to get more out of their enjoyment of the game.  I on the other hand left my teenage years to drift into timber sales, alcoholism and skulduggery, how I wish I’d been in the same queue as Kris when seeing the careers advisors. I’m dead proud of Kris, find out plenty more about him on his website where you’ll also discover a cracking podcast.

Turning however to Kris’s musical tastes, we find someone quite prepared to sabotage the enviable  reputation he’s hitherto built up for himself. What self respecting individual nominates the guff you find listed below when invited to play their favourite tunes of a lifetime? In a barely listenable set, his crowning floater in the toilet water was Snap’s ‘The Power’ which stooped yet lower when he explained it reminded him of a Turkish nightclub dance floor he’d once shared with his Mum. There were a couple of semi-tolerable tracks and a triumphant finishing number to be fair to him but I’m an indie kid, I play quality music, I have no desire to be associated with mediocre commercial pap. It was torture having to spin some of this bowf. Cousin you say? Sorry, never heard of the guy.

Thankfully, Kris’s musical faux pas’ were interrupted by good conversation and it was a genuine inspiration to hear of his tennis journey. He spends his life encouraging people, instilling belief into them and facilitating an improvement in their lives. I shuffle paper for a living, Kris boosts people’s confidence and self belief. One of us can rightfully pat himself on the back while the other needs a good look in the mirror. Catch you later, I’m off to the bathroom.

Click on this link to hear a re-run of the show. Thanks for being a bostin guest Kris, my beloved  cousin/brother/wife (select as appropriate).

Kris’s selections
1. Nick Kershaw - I Won’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me
2. Hue & Cry - Labour Of Love
3. Snap - The Power
4. DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Boom Shake The Room
5. Drops Of Jupiter - Train
6. Sylvester - Do You Wanna Funk

My Ear Candy #34 Andy Simpson

You never know what life’s gonna throw at you. Ask Herbie, a young lad who travelled from Coventry to Stonehaven on Friday, expecting an onward journey directly to his Uncle’s gaff in Drumlithie once he stepped off the train. Instead, he wound up in the Mearns FM studio,  broadcasting to the wider world while his uncle collected an Indian takeaway, an unscheduled radio appearance for Herbie that signalled his debut as a broadcaster. Welcome to the club young man. We played The Specials in honour of his hometown, he said hi to his Mum as she listened online, somewhat bemused no doubt, and he shuffled off to Drumlithie, scratching his head wondering how the hell that happened. Let that be a lesson young man, you just don’t know what’s around the corner, this is the stuff of life.

Herbie was the first of two guests on Friday, the second being Andy Simpson, owner of local company Angus 3D Design and all round good egg. Some folk are just easy company aren’t they? He played six of his favourite tracks, hitting the heights with five of them but letting himself down big style with an absolute howler by Texas, the lamest band to have come out of the UK since Black Lace, proof positive that if you’re in the right place at the right time it doesn’t much matter if you’re any good or not, you just surf the wave and hope nobody notices that the empereror’s wearing no clothes. Texas are so middle of the road they should have dashed white lines painted on them, playing it safe, sticking to a formula that appeals to the lowest common denominator and, in the words of 90s band Electronic, they’ve been ‘getting away with it all my life’. I put the kettle on while Andy shoe shuffled his way through this rotten track but I reckon, privately, even he felt a pang of revulsion as this assault upon our eardrums plodded interminably on.

But let’s focus on the positives. Madness kicked his selections off, their lesser known hit ‘My Girl’ chosen in tribute to Andy’s days as a Rude Boy back in the 80s, when his frame was adorned with full Rudy regalia; trilby, black loafers, Harrington jacket etc. He’s got a cheeky smile Andy,  he’d have been a hit with the ladies for sure, right up till the moment they spotted he was wearing white socks. We learned more about his business in 3D printing and his former career travelling the world in the oil & gas industry, alighting in Dubai for several happy years. The furthest I’ve travelled for work is Tipton, doesn’t benefit from comparison really does it? His two sons are living Dad inspired lives, one in the US, the other pondering Edinburgh or St Andrews, oh to be young again.

The  good music kept coming after the calamitous Texas interlude; the Stones, Manics, even INXS, not a band I’d usually laud but New Sensation grabs you for sure. We had a good natter but the wheels came off toward the end of the show,  all concentration being lost by the presenter. Let me explain. Cardiff City were playing Wolves while the show was on and I had a vested interest in the outcome, if Cardiff lost it heightened the chances of my team (Villa) getting promoted next month. I was keeping the listenership abreast of goings on in the principality, my fingernails totalled as Wolves went into injury time leading 1-0. Then all hell broke loose, Cardiff winning a penalty and missing it, then winning another and missing that too! Joy unconfined in the Mearns FM studio, Wolves winning, Cardiff losing and Villa may yet secure that automatic promotion slot. I punched the air, lost composure on the mic, and Andy Simpson looked on in non-plussed bemusement and with a level of pity. Welcome to community radio my friend, where anything goes, yes even blinkin’ Texas.

Thanks Andy for being a terrific guest. If any of you missed the show just click this link and choose Stoney Baloney.

Andy’s selections
1. Madness - My Girl
2. The Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter
3. Texas - Say What You Want
4. INXS - New Sensation
5. Manic Street Preachers - Your Love Alone
6. Red Hot Chilli Peppers - By The Way

My Ear Candy #33 Stewart Smith & Drew McDonald

One of the peculiarities of modern day community radio, and there are plenty, is that one can broadcast from an Aberdeenshire studio yet be heard in countries throughout the world. Take my show on Mearns FM for example, there we are waffling away in a dungeon at the back of Stonehaven Town Hall, yet online listeners can pick us up in Poland, Australia and the States. And Kineff. Whether punters choose to or not is a different matter but let’s not spoil a beautiful illusion. My ego’s taken a pounding lately and needs stroking, I don’t think I’ll ever live down the national media’s graphic photograph of me in that leopardskin thong.

Local Scotmid managers Stewart Smith and Drew McDonald were my guests on Friday and mighty fine ones too, despite Stewart’s unpardonable selection of a Bon Jovi track. Bit of a cheek really, I take the trouble to honour his roots by playing a classic from Leed’s finest band, The Wedding Present, and he rewards me with a naff poodle rock number by way of reply. Thankfully Drew compensated for his colleague’s lamentable taste by nominating a Depeche Mode number later by way of an equaliser. And talking of football speak, spot the lame segway, we enjoyed some knockabout chat regards their respective football allegiances. The least said about Drew’s Man United the better, but I have a grudging respect for Stewart’s Leeds United, probably because his club and mine (Villa) have shared turbulent times in recent decades so have a certain empathy for one another. I did however take the trouble to remind Stewart of his club’s inglorious capitulation to mine in the 1994 League Cup Final when the only entertainment Leeds United offered was to wheel the enormous Thomas Brolin on as substitute for everyone to snigger at. Their fans serenaded Brolin to the tune of Dolly Parton’s hit ‘Jolene’ but I’m not sure the lyrics need repeating here.

Scotmid are very genuine about their care in the community, spending hundreds of thousands on local projects and the guys outlined how community organisations could apply, more details here. Stewart and Drew’s nature epitomises the ethos of the company, good, genuine and true although they let themselves down when I enquired whether the Aberdeenshire branch of the Aston Villa Supporters Club (ie. me and my two sons) qualified for funding, somewhat abruptly giving me short shrift. Hopefully your application is received with rather less contempt than mine, apparently they prefer to support such frippery as woodland activity centres for kids, care home garden titivation and various other charitable causes. This is all very well but surely the financing of fortnights trips from Auchenblae to Villa Park should feature somewhere toward the summit of their pecking order.

That being said, I’d like to thank Stewart and Drew for their contributions to a very enjoyable show (I refer chiefly of course to their chat and not their music). If you missed the broadcast then, first, consider yourself admonished and, second, click this link and choose Stoney Baloney, it’s available till April 6th. Happy Easter y’all.

Stewart’s selections
1. Slate - Coz I Luv You
2. Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds
3. Credence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
4. Thin Lizzy - Black Rose
5. Bon Jovi - Livin On A Prayer
6. Fleetwood MAC - Albatross
7. Bad Touch - 99%