My Ear Candy #21 Paula Young

I welcomed a splendid guest last Friday, local beautician Paula Young (although she took one look at me and claimed I was beyond repair. ‘You can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig’ she said. Bloody charming.)

Regrettably, while Paula herself proved good company, she brought with her a gimp by the name of Keith Douglas, her latest squeeze. He’d been in touch through the week, bigging himself up as her agent and falsely leading me to believe she was a hairdresser not a beautician. I diligently prepared, therefore, a playlist of hair related tracks; Devil’s Haircut, Jesus Hairdo, Haircut 100 etc, only for them to prove futile. I had egg all over my face as Douglas sat in the corner of the studio grinning like a Cheshire cat while I ploughed through ill titled tracks, but he’ll get his comeuppance don’t worry about that.

Paula chose her six memorable songs, mercifully resisting the urge to choose a song by her (nearly) namesake Paul Young, opening instead with a merry Dolly Parton number, although it struggled to be heard above the din emanating from the town hall main stage a few yards away. The Chandeliers, a good but ear splittingly loud band, were mid-gig and taking the roof off, we really must get our radio studio sound proofed. Paula’s next selection, McFly, suffered a similar fate but let’s face it, it’s indeed a blessing when any of their songs are drowned out, even with one of Douglas’s guttural farts.

It’s kinda tough presenting a show but allowing guests to choose their own music. I’m something of a music snob and find certain artists insufferable, almost unplayable, so I have been known to refuse certain selections. Frankly this is something I need to get over, you wouldn’t invite someone for dinner and refuse the bottle of wine they’d brought, it’s just plain rude, but surely it’s beholden upon each guest to at least bring some faintly listenable material with them? There are some weeks when white noise would be preferable to the guff they serve up.

Any road up, thankyou to Paula for being a very pleasant guest, our conversation more than counter balancing her questionable music selections and those of her daughter Skye. You’re welcome back anytime Paula, but remember to leave your agent behind next time.

Paula’s Selections

1. Coat Of Many Colours - Dolly Parton
2. If You Think I’m Sexy - Rod Stewart
3. It’s All About You - McFly
4. The Most Beautiful Girl - Charlie Rich
5. Smile - Uncle Kraker 
6. Glasgow Star - Eddie Reader

The Ian Hastie experience

My guest on Friday evening was Ian Hastie, a semi-retired has-been from Stonehaven, a muso stuck in the 70s, amateur twitcher and purveyor of weak humour. As premium quality guests go he’d struggle to make Graham Norton’s invite list but here at Mearns FM we’ll take anybody so I shoved the headphones on him and away we went.

I first met Ian when he was the manager at Stonehaven Golf Club, residing in a wee office up the stairs, chapping away at his computer keyboard while tuned into his Spotify playlist. I’d gone in to apply for membership and was greeted by a Big Star track, the name of which escapes me, and knew then that we’d hit it off. His eclectic musical tastes were interesting but this can be a double edged sword, for every new discovery he unveiled to me there were a dozen turkeys and it’s taken me some time to whittle his recommendations down to a playable few. That said, he’s introduced me to some blinding music by King Creosote, Chuck Prophet and more recently Blue Rose Code who he appears to adore more than his wife. Warren Zevon was also a good tip (you have to listen to ‘Werewolves Of London’, class track that is.)

Anyhow, he ain’t the manager at SGC anymore, preferring to drift through his days in carpet slippers and smoking jacket, clicking his fingers when the brandy glass needs refreshing. It was good of him to take a break from his slothful lifestyle and join us on the radio, I’d asked him to bring tunes that my public would appreciate and he didn’t disappoint. Thanks Ian for your company and your choices, I might have you back when you’ve dealt with your halitosis. I’m not saying it’s strong but it’s come to a pretty pass when listeners call in complaining of the smell their wireless is giving off.

Stoney Baloney returns...

And it came to pass that Stoney Baloney, that erstwhile community radio show of worldwide repute, was triumphantly recommissioned by Mearns FM, Aberdeenshire’s foremost radio station. A long term break had been sanctioned by the station in order that the presenter ‘got his bloody heid agither’ but just ten weeks in, with all hope of such an outcome lost, the station has caved in to public demand and the show will now return earlier than anticipated. 

So set your watches for 9pm on December 15th when Alex Russon’s banal waffle will once again be interspersed with indie tunes on Mearns FM. Inaccurate whispers in the press had suggested the show’s rebirth would occur a week prior but the station’s studio, based at Stonehaven Town Hall, is instead needed as a dressing room by the Christmas panto cast. The ignominy of being trumped by Widow Twankey is proving a chastening experience for the returning disc jockey but, with characteristic grace, he’s fallen on his sword and agreed to a seven day delay (provided the costumes are left behind for him to try on.)

Only ten days remain before the show’s return, applications are therefore invited for regular weekly listenership. Candidates need to possess a pair of lugs, preferably waxed, and a craving for music of the highest order. Auditions will take place between 9-11pm* on Friday December 15th and successful applicants will be notified in due course as to whether their lugholes will be required on a weekly basis.

*regular listeners will be accustomed to Alex’s 7-9pm slot, this however has been rudely hijacked by a young punk by the name of Lewis Main who steadfastly refuses to relinquish the prime time slot to its original owner. The presenters’ agents are dealing with the matter, meantime Mr Main will continue as the mere warm up act in advance of the main event 😡.