My Ear Candy #14 - Gerry Robertson

This week's guest was Gerry Robertson who brought along a glamorous bodyguard in the shape of Laura, the pair of them rockers from Perth (Scotland not Australia) now living in Aberdeen. I must confess to a degree of apprehension having to play six tracks selected by a greaser but I found myself pleasantly surprised, who knew that heavy metal could be listenable?

I'm something of a music expert, my ears honed to only the best in indie music's cannon from yesteryear and the present day, I'm down with the kids and no mistake. Heavy metal has always passed me by, aside from the Ace Of Spades and Paranoid, not for me the ear shattering din of shaggy haired beardos, disappearing up their own rectums with their never ending screeching guitar solos. I remember a kid at school called Selwyn (who calls their kid Selwyn?) who wore a denim jacket with a 'Rainbow' badge sewn across the back and stank of petunia, he invited me to his house once and played this insufferable metal stuff and it put me off for life...or so I thought. For tonight, much to my surprise and I admit it, disappointment, I found myself enjoying heavy metal music. I'll say that again, I enjoyed heavy metal.

I didn't enjoy all of it mind you, the Aerosmith track got off to a decent start but petered out somewhat and Deep Purple was a bit of a dirge, the rest though wasn't bad at all. Thin Lizzy's track was familiar to me but I had egg on my face when announcing the lead singer had been married to Bob Monkhouse's daughter only to wiki it later to find it was Leslie Crowther (just to clarify, the lead singer married Leslie Crowther's daughter, not Leslie Crowther.) The AC/DC one was familiar too, but the biggest shock was listening to Ozzy Osborne sing melodically, something I wasn't aware he was capable of.

We rounded off the show with The Scorpions, a shared passion of Gerry and Laura's. Our chat during the show took in the subjects of football, any excuse for me to talk about Aston Villa, and the voluntary work Gerry and Laura do with Befriend A Child, taking a young lad out for a couple of hours every other weekend to give him some fun while his mum deals with the stuff of life. This charity does wonderful life affirming work, do get involved if you can because they need more volunteers.

9pm arrived, our signal to quit. A fun time was had by all and a poke of chips was had by me as I drove back to Aberdeen. Bad move, the car stank the next day.

Gerry's selections
Thin Lizzy - The Boys Are Back In Town
Aerosmith - Sweet Emotion
AC/DC - Highway to Hell
Deep Purple - Perfect Strangers
Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train
The Scorpions - The Zoo 

My Ear Candy #13 - Kristine Buchanan

I suppose it's come to rather a pretty pass when your radio show guest is a fellow presenter but I had good reason to invite Kristine Buchanan on to my Stoney Baloney show this week. That reason isn't springing to mind quite yet but perhaps by paragraph three it will come to me. Inviting fellow presenters on is an insidious business, somewhat grotesque in its' nepotistic tendency, but I won't say anymore on the matter because I've exhausted my library of big words.

So it came to pass that I played the five tracks which provide a soundtrack to Kristine's eventful life, 'eventful' perhaps something of an understatement. Here is a woman who left her American roots twenty plus years ago to reward the UK with her presence, her mystery tour of the island starting in Brighton, taking her further north to London, north yet again to her current home in the Mearns, next stop Wick? That's a question not an instruction, although if she ever returns to my show and plays that damned Bruno Mars song again I will personally drive her to Wick and leave her there. I give my guests carte blanche to select any tracks they like but my hospitality is regularly abused I'm sad to say, my listeners insulted with all manner of sub standard guff and tonight we had to suffer the white noise of Uptown bleedin' Funk, surely the most irritating song since Black Lace belched out Agadoo.

Kristine's other four tracks varied between bearable and impressive, indeed the Dan Fogelburg effort was something of a triumphant discovery, I might be tempted to hijack it myself. Willie Nelson's velvety voice is always a pleasant tonic so that track passed muster but Garth Brook's effort fell a long way short of acceptability. Kristine's description of people from Brook's home state of Oklahoma was priceless though, I thought I held yam yams (Black Country folk) in low regard but my disdain is nothing as compared to my Texan guest's opinion of Oklahoma's residents who would appear to be six fingered carrot crunchers with little respect for personal hygiene. There wasn't time for the sixth track Kristine had nominated since we'd prattled on too long discussing this and indeed that. She did manage to cram in a Lyle Lovett track, you must google him, the guy wears a bird's nest above his eyes and is potentially the ugliest man I have ever seen. Quite what his former wife Julia Roberts saw in the millionaire famous musician I'll never know. He was punching so far above his weight he surely used step ladders.

We broadcast from a studio within Stonehaven Town Hall and while we were on, the event being held in the main hall, plainly playing second fiddle to my radio show, was a Wizard Of Oz performance. Their audience were somewhat disappointed to find the Tin Man wearing just jeans and a t-shirt for which I blame event security who were asleep on the job when I took a fancy to Tin Man's shiny silver costume which I spotted when walking to the lavatorie, I couldn't resist broadcasting the show in it. If nothing else it provided a ready made excuse for my show were it too sound a little rusty (I theng yoo.)

Thanks to Kristine for being a super guest, you really must listen to her Lone Star Show 6-7pm on Thursdays, it's always a riotous affair and her beautiful American accent provides a happy alternative to my drab monotone Brummy drawl. Her music ain't as good as mine though, FACT! Next week I have Finn Marsden as my guest, another example of fellow presenter neopotism. Still, he's cheap and accessible and as last resorts go I suppose he'll just have to do. Meantime here's a link to my show this week, just select Stoney Baloney from the list Stoney Baloney- Kristine Buchanan

Kristine's Selections
'Buttermilk Sky' by Willie Nelson
'That's Right, You're Not From Texas' by Lyle Lovett
'The Leader of the Band' by Dan Fogelberg
'Uptown Funk' by Mark Robson ft Bruno Mars
'Papa Loved Momma' by Garth Brooks

Monkeying Around

I ticked something off my bucket list last week, a little something I've always wanted to do but never had the chance. I know it's bound to be on your bucket list too but I'm afraid I've beaten you to it, yes,  I've achieved a three hour radio broadcast dedicated to Depeche Mode.

I've been obsessed with this band for three decades, ever since my mate at that time, Jason Waddleton, played me a song called 'Leave In Silence', a song which was reprehensibly described by Paul Weller as having less melody than the sound coming out of Kenny Wheeler's arsehole. Now you know why I never play The Jam on my show. Any road, despite the misgivings of Mr Weller, I've been hooked on Depeche Mode since then and decided the Mearns FM listenership required educating.

I was aided and abetted by my good friend Ian Monk who had kindly travelled from Redditch (nr Birmingham) to share his DM devotion with me. The whole show was a blast, encompassing b-sides, album tracks, remixes and live recordings that covered the band's back catalogue dating to their first single in 1981 'Dreaming Of Me'. We had folk listening in from across the globe, modern day media capabilities enabling online listeners to share our output wherever they were, and the request I put out for favourite b-side amassed 240 votes in no time. It ain't just me and Ian who's obsessed with the band. Things perhaps got a little bit anal in that we discussed the finer points of DM's career including Martin Gore recording 'Somebody' while stark naked, my only marrying my first wife because she'd kissed Dave Gahan at an album signing and the co-presenters squabbling over the best track off the album Music For The Masses, all rather unseemly. Nevertheless, our passion shone through, it was just a shame the  studio didn't have a webcam to show us dancing manically to Never Let Me Down Again. Second thoughts, it's not a shame at all.

We're considering another instalment in coming months, maybe stretching it to four hours since three was never enough. DM's discography merits it and I won't rest until the wider world has had the opportunity to share the wonder that is Depeche Mode. I've travelled to Hamburg to see them, queued for a day to meet them, been to four of their gigs in seven days, written a fanzine about them and plastered my walls with their album covers. I won't go into the lengths of Ian's devotion but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he had their faces tattooed on his intimate parts. I know I have.

Thanks to Ian for sharing a memorable show with me and to the hundreds who contributed. The following night 80,000 people saw Depeche Mode play at the Olympic Stadium, so if you're reading this Paul Weller, send me a recording of Kenny Wheeler's anal announcements because they must be absolutely superb.

You can listen again by clicking this following link and choosing the 'Alex Russon - Stoney Baloney' show. It's available till Friday DM radio show