I suppose it's come to rather a pretty pass when your radio show guest is a fellow presenter but I had good reason to invite Kristine Buchanan on to my Stoney Baloney show this week. That reason isn't springing to mind quite yet but perhaps by paragraph three it will come to me. Inviting fellow presenters on is an insidious business, somewhat grotesque in its' nepotistic tendency, but I won't say anymore on the matter because I've exhausted my library of big words.
So it came to pass that I played the five tracks which provide a soundtrack to Kristine's eventful life, 'eventful' perhaps something of an understatement. Here is a woman who left her American roots twenty plus years ago to reward the UK with her presence, her mystery tour of the island starting in Brighton, taking her further north to London, north yet again to her current home in the Mearns, next stop Wick? That's a question not an instruction, although if she ever returns to my show and plays that damned Bruno Mars song again I will personally drive her to Wick and leave her there. I give my guests carte blanche to select any tracks they like but my hospitality is regularly abused I'm sad to say, my listeners insulted with all manner of sub standard guff and tonight we had to suffer the white noise of Uptown bleedin' Funk, surely the most irritating song since Black Lace belched out Agadoo.
Kristine's other four tracks varied between bearable and impressive, indeed the Dan Fogelburg effort was something of a triumphant discovery, I might be tempted to hijack it myself. Willie Nelson's velvety voice is always a pleasant tonic so that track passed muster but Garth Brook's effort fell a long way short of acceptability. Kristine's description of people from Brook's home state of Oklahoma was priceless though, I thought I held yam yams (Black Country folk) in low regard but my disdain is nothing as compared to my Texan guest's opinion of Oklahoma's residents who would appear to be six fingered carrot crunchers with little respect for personal hygiene. There wasn't time for the sixth track Kristine had nominated since we'd prattled on too long discussing this and indeed that. She did manage to cram in a Lyle Lovett track, you must google him, the guy wears a bird's nest above his eyes and is potentially the ugliest man I have ever seen. Quite what his former wife Julia Roberts saw in the millionaire famous musician I'll never know. He was punching so far above his weight he surely used step ladders.
We broadcast from a studio within Stonehaven Town Hall and while we were on, the event being held in the main hall, plainly playing second fiddle to my radio show, was a Wizard Of Oz performance. Their audience were somewhat disappointed to find the Tin Man wearing just jeans and a t-shirt for which I blame event security who were asleep on the job when I took a fancy to Tin Man's shiny silver costume which I spotted when walking to the lavatorie, I couldn't resist broadcasting the show in it. If nothing else it provided a ready made excuse for my show were it too sound a little rusty (I theng yoo.)
Thanks to Kristine for being a super guest, you really must listen to her Lone Star Show 6-7pm on Thursdays, it's always a riotous affair and her beautiful American accent provides a happy alternative to my drab monotone Brummy drawl. Her music ain't as good as mine though, FACT! Next week I have Finn Marsden as my guest, another example of fellow presenter neopotism. Still, he's cheap and accessible and as last resorts go I suppose he'll just have to do. Meantime here's a link to my show this week, just select Stoney Baloney from the list Stoney Baloney- Kristine Buchanan
Kristine's Selections
'Buttermilk Sky' by Willie Nelson
'That's Right, You're Not From Texas' by Lyle Lovett
'The Leader of the Band' by Dan Fogelberg
'Uptown Funk' by Mark Robson ft Bruno Mars
'Papa Loved Momma' by Garth Brooks
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