My Ear Candy #5 Patrick Wood

I suppose I ought to begin by wishing you a happy New Year and all that. I’m not sure if this obligatory greeting refers purely to Hogmanay or the entire year, either way I half-heartedly wish it to you. I don’t really do New Year, I never have. How’s that for an upbeat opening!

What are your hopes and fears for 2017? My hopes are simple, there are three. 1) Bob Dylan lives long enough to perform for me at the SEC in May, no guarantee there given the procession of high profile deaths in recent months. 2) Aston Villa grapple their way through the play-offs for an instant return to the premiership, by no means an expectation, just a hope. 3) I get a book published, a long time ambition and it’s about time it was realised. As for fears, well look no further than the new President of the USA. To think that a guy like Trump will be the leader of the free world is frankly terrifying. I’m fearful too that my back pain won’t allow me to play golf, perhaps not as major a fear as the Trump farrago but important to me nonetheless.

But enough about me, let’s talk about my special guest on last night’s Stoney Baloney radio show, Patrick Wood, who was terrific company. I allow guests 6 of their favourite tracks, a dangerous business given I’m a music snob but Patrick didn’t let me down, opening with a satisfactory Razorlight track and following up with The Eagles and Oasis. So far so good, but unforgiveably, he’d allowed his younger brother Elliot to select the last two songs and that’s when it all went pear shaped. On came two tracks which can best be described as hollow, mainstream pap and it was all I could do not to drag them off air halfway through. Mercifully I exorcised this double barrelled nightmare by playing the show out with Ace Of Spades by Motorhead and we could all breathe again.

We learned a few things about Patrick; he was born in Southern California and moved to Auchenblae (thirty degrees cooler) with his family when he was four. A dozen years later here they still are. Patrick plays piano, keyboards, a bit of guitar, makes me jealous that, I can’t even play the spoons and studies at Mearns Academy (I say ‘studies’, perhaps I should merely be saying ‘attends’). His American twang has never left him and his claim to fame is American based too, though an utterly feeble one. I still maintain that playing toy cars for ten minutes with the young son of a Lakers basketball player and not actually conversing with said basketball player (Denis Rodman) directly, does not represent a genuine claim to fame. I walked past Buckingham Palace once, does that mean I’ve met the Queen?  Nope.

Great to have you along Patrick, hopefully you’ll be presenting on Mearns FM yourself sometime soon. To you I wish a genuinely happy New Year.

Patrick’s selections

1.       America – Razorlight

2.       Hotel California – The Eagles

3.       Long Road To Ruin – Foo Fighters

4.       Wonderwall – Oasis

5.       Am I Wrong – Nico & Vinz

6.       Flight – Tristam & Braken

My Ear Candy #4 Bryan Duncan

We had our serious faces on for the first hour of last nights Mearns FM radio show, devoting it to the issue of substance misuse and addiction. I attend an alcohol recovery support group every Wednesday (6.30-8.00pm at Stonehaven Community Centre if you want to join us) and Bryan Duncan, the group facilitator for want of a better description, joined me on the show to tell us about his work. The message that came across loud and clear was that anyone in this community of ours who's dealing with substance misuse should know that help is at hand, not only for them but their families and friends too. Nobody with a dependency on alcohol or drugs need travel this road alone, there are good people around to help you on a road to recovery, all you need do is put the first foot forward.

Bryan works for Alcohol & Drug Action (ADA) which is an Aberdeen based organisation that supports people the breadth of Aberdeenshire. He spends his working life getting alongside those seeking a road to recovery and he assists families of these people too, it can be even more of a torment for onlookers feeling helpless watching their loved one sink into oblivion. You can listen to our conversation here if you feel it could help you...http://www.mearnsfm.org.uk/listen-again

The second hour of the show had Bryan sharing six of his favourite tracks. I'd received his list a couple of days prior and given them a listen before broadcast, I like to check they're listenable and not profanity strewn in case the station's boss is listening in. They were indeed broadcastable but in one case only just, not because of bad language but the awfulness of the song, a slow paced jazz style dirge during which even the vocalist appeared to lose the will to live. I'm talking of course of Bobby McFerrin and his insufferable song 'Peace'. Thankfully the remaining tracks ranged from acceptable to excellent, the pick of the bunch being 'Blackbird' by The Beatles, pure gold.

My thanks to Bryan for two very pleasurable hours (aside from the five minute McFerrin farago) and a reminder again to anyone reading this who is in despair with alcohol or any other substance misuse, help is at hand. Bryan, myself and plenty of others besides, are here for you, just reach out and your road to recovery can begin.

Bryan's selections
1. Eton Rifles - The Jam
2. Throw Down Your Arms - Burning Spear
3. Feeling Good - Nina Simone
4. Blackbird - The Beatles
5. Peace - Bobby McFerrin
6. Love What You Do - Divine Comedy

The following missive has come in from Stonehaven GC member Allan Davidson. I have to say it makes for a pleasant read given the shameful actions of Douglas towards me last winter. Relying heavily on his playing partner once again I see...

Dear Stoney Baloney, I have taken great interest in your blogs and enjoyed reading your book about returning to Stonehaven to play in the winter league doubles with someone called Kirk or Kevin Douglas who is, by all accounts, like yourself, a decent player. Anyway, after being occupied for most of this winter season with football, I noticed I had a free Sunday so checked the online thing and saw K.Douglas (Kirk I assumed, albeit he is now 100) and B.Ferguson were playing with a guest at 11am. I did not know the guest and it was with trepidation that I put my name down. After a few phone calls it became evident that the K was not Kirk, and was indeed a chap called Keith of whom I had the pleasure of reading about in 'Stoney Baloney' The B was also confirmed as a chap called Bruce, the guest I still did not know. 

I duly popped up and ordered my 'breakfast' (Kronenbourg) and waited for the three players to come and sign in for the competition so I could introduce myself. Well, only two came in and I recognised them both since they had photographs of themselves hanging in the hall of fame, they were both former club champions! What had I done putting my name with these semi pro golfers? I didn't want to be too familiar with them, however, I did notice that both were slightly more folically challenged than represented on the roll of honour, I just assumed they had kept on growing through their hair. That aside, I asked the whereabouts of the 'guest' after introducing myself nervously in the company of these two great legends of Stonehaven Golf Club, but received no reply, it wasn't mentioned again.

After the pleasantries and changing of scorecards the short baldie one duly sent it OB at the 1st while the lanky baldie one drove the green. The next hole saw the lanky one, who'd birdied the 1st, miss a five footer for par after the wee one found sand, level par then after 2. The next two holes they exchanged pars and then we had the gully where the short one tapped in for a two and on the next hole lanky also tapped in for a two and back across the gully on the old 15th, the short one duly holed a putt for another two. The last time I saw that was with the good wife in Menorca in a fantoosh harbour side restaurant called 'Dos,Dos,Dos'. So with a heid like Peterhead I had two options, either 1) walk off with my NR at the old 10th and ensure that the integrity was put into question of Lanky and shortie, or 2) plod on. Thankfully I plumped for the latter. 

Despite feeling cold and tired I began to enjoy myself watching these two legends try to put in a good score. The next two holes saw them both miss birdie putts and tap in pars ensued, an easy birdie at the old 11th and then a poor par at the 12th, down the old 5th and the short one sticks it to ten feet, lanky however took the gas and knocked through the back and chipped on, somehow not putting to allow the short one a free putt, another par ensued. Over to the old 6th with both short and lanky missing the green and lanky, after his gas earlier, left his flat stick somewhere in the vicinity of the old 5th prompting a run back up the hill. He might as well have left it there as the short one saved par. Next up was the old 7th, lanky taking control as shortie again went OB. A tap in birdie followed by another at the old 8th suggested the guest was perhaps going to see something special. Lanky has an eagle putt at 16 and tells the short one not to bother with his birdie attempt but subsequently knocks it four feet past, both of them missing their next putts so the guest has to record a 5 while meekly suggesting to the lanky one ' why did you not allow your partner the opportunity of a 'free putt?'
As it is a Sunday, I can only say that I was told in no uncertain terms that he had been a member for thirty five years and does not need advice on what to do. With this the guest confessed to only being a member for thirty four years and offered an apology.

The 17th and the short one hits a good drive just off the green, lanky pulls it left, albeit a good strike. Short one, fed up with lanky contemplating what to do, duly chips in for an eagle. Usain Bolt, although the same height, could not have out sprinted lanky up the hill. The 18th then and a 56 is on if they can manage a birdie. Lanky and shortie both hit the green and lanky again puts the faith in the short one by not holing his par putt but the short one's par is enough for the guest to sign for a Heinz variety. Off then to the 19th for a repeat of my breakfast.

My Ear Candy #3 Cllr Wendy Agnew

Mearns FM broadcasts from Stonehaven Town Hall where we have a pleasant wee studio at the rear of the building. There is however one drawback, if the town hall is hosting a raucous live band the din drifts through to the studio and can be heard in the background by listeners across the Mearns. Last night the wonderful Chandeliers brought the house down with a terrific set but played so loud that my microphone in the back studio was shaking like a leaf and picking up their output for the whole of the Mearns to hear. Before you say it, I accept this was a blessing for listeners, my hogwash being drowned out by a Chandeliers cover of 'Paint It Black'. It was all good fun and testament to the efforts made in our community to provide entertainment for its people, I just hope the band don't expect royalties for the inadvertent broadcasting of their material, I'm skint.

Wendy Agnew was my special guest tonight and she spoke about her work as a Councillor, in particular her commitment to flood prevention here in Stonehaven. 2009 was traumatic for many households in the old town and steps have been taken to prevent or reduce damage should the floods rear their ugly heads once again. A further passion is the set up of a 'furniture fair', a second hand furniture facility providing for the needy in our community, more news of this will be released in the New Year.

I confess the music Wendy shared would not have appeared on a wish list of my own however it was largely listenable (if that isn't damning someone's musical tastes with faint praise). The classical music I enjoyed especially, quite a diversion from the jangly guitar stuff I favour, and anyone not appreciative of Louis Armstrong's 'We Have All The Time In The World' is surely tone deaf.

So, a splendid show all in all. Thanks to The Chandeliers for the backing track and Wendy for her selections. Next week we have another special guest, Bryan Duncan, who's a pillar of our community with the work he carries out at Stonehaven Community Centre assisting those of us, me included, in their recovery from addictions and the stuff of life. Tune in to www.mearnsfm.com Friday night 7-9pm.

Wendy's selections
1. Black Or White - Michael Jackson
2. Clarinet Concerto in A major - Mozart
3. Man In The Mirror - Michael Jackson
4. Adagio in G minor (strings)- Aldinoni
5. All The Time In The World - Louis Armstrong
6. Land Of Hope And Glory - Elgar

I believe I can claim without fear of contradiction that I'm the first person to have broadcast updates of an Aston Villa v Wigan Athletic fixture to an Aberdeenshire listenership. With the welcome assistance of an online Villa fans' forum and regular reports on social media from Jack Douglas perched on his Pittodrie seat, I was able to intermingle indy music tracks with football match updates from the Villa and Aberdeen matches today and great fun it was too.

Jack shivered through Aberdeen's dull goalless draw, his reports providing good value. " Sun setting pleasantly over the Merkland Stand" was the highlight of the first half and "booed off" says it all about the second. Meanwhile I was being appraised of the Villa game by the match thread on Heroes & Villains which bemoaned a game equally as awful. Comments here included -

"blimey this is turgid" - Hampshire Villain

" I'm desperately thinking of ways to stave off the boredom. Would anyone like to have a fight" - Jimbo

...but then came the 88th minute, Jack Grealish postage stamping a 25 yard winner and a broadcaster several hundred miles north of Villa Park was rendered speechless.  Ironically and beautifully, I was having to broadcast from Stonehaven Town Hall's broom cupboard. The town hall was hosting a pantomime and our studio had been given over to the cast for costume changes. The floor manager, a bluenose from Solihull would you believe, triumphantly packed me off to the cleaner's mess but I had the last laugh since we won and Blues got mullered. Sweet.

Thanks to Jack Douglas and the H&V crew for providing the entertainment today, your contributions were invaluable. The music came from various indy bands of my choice, tune in next time if you want to enjoy the fun - Boxing Day sees Villa v Burton Albion, rock and roll.

My Ear Candy #2 Catherine MacDonald

Last night's Ear Candy slot was a hoot, many thanks to Catherine MacDonald for providing her five favourite tracks. No, I'll rephrase that, thanks Catherine for turning up but forgive me for not congratulating you on the selections themselves.

2/5 ain't bad but the other three left a fair bit to be desired, foe example ploughing through Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights proved a true test of fortitude. We agreed on air that this was a song you might have fond memories of but halfway through realise it really wasn't 'all that' after all. Meandering limply to a climax, it jettisoned any tempo the show had built up prior to it's playing, cheers Catherine.

Thankfully Big Country and REM restored order and we managed to salvage some degree of respectability which appeared impossible at the outset when opening up with Marillion. I have to put my hands up and confess utter contempt for Marillion. I remember only one thing about them, a bald whale of a frontman (Fish) singing 'Kayleigh' back in the 80s, a dirge with no redeeming features. However, oblivious to me, they've spent the last three decades Fish-less and producing music with a different style. I've no intention of enlisting in their fan club but the track Catherine played was bearable if not jaw dropping so perhaps I've had a lesson there in the folly of being judgemental.

Lenny Helsing joins me next Friday (Dec 2nd) to share his favourite five tracks. It must be a virtual impossibility for a muso such as him who's played in bands forever, to narrow his favourites down to five, but I have faith he can provide us with ear candy and not ear wax. He'd better.

Catherine's selections
1. Marillion - Afraid Of Sunlight
2. Joe Jackson - Stepping Out
3. Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights
4. Big Country - Chance
5. REM - At My Most Beautiful