Come uppence

Twelve months ago I found myself in the final of the Stonehaven Golf Club Pairs winter league competition having joined forces with Keith Douglas. We crashed and burned that day, ended up second, and our friendship never recovered from the subsequent recriminations. We ended up in court, before a judge as biased as they come. To this day I defend my position that Douglas contributed sweet bugger-all to our collective performance and I'll blame him for our demise in the final till the day I die, stinking the course out to such an extent that the adjacent herd of cows ran for the hills, their nostrils unable to cope.

Anyhow, letting bygones be bygones (while allowing myself a modicum of bitterness), Douglas today marked the anniversary of our runners-up spot by competing in the 2017 final alongside his new partner, Bruce Ferguson. That's right he sacked me off for someone else. Well chickens come home to roost Douglas and I've just been passed the results of your grand final which provides me with the joyful duty of announcing that you finished a pitiful third. That's right, when the heat was on, you and your partner couldn't cut the mustard, languishing amongst the also-rans. It really couldn't have happened to a nicer person. You thought you'd be better off with someone else eh? Well you've sure managed to move on from second place, just in the wrong direction you useless goon.

My hearty congratulations go out to messrs Riddell & McCallan (pictured). I ought to offer my commiserations to them too for having to spend three and a half hours on a golf course with a pair of cretins. I look forward to seeing the trophy held aloft on the back pages of the Leader, perhaps Kevin and Ross can fill it with champagne and once they've drank the contents, refill it with sewage and deliver it over Douglas's head. Make sure his mouth's open (that shouldn't prove a problem given it's perpetually spouting all manner of guff.)

I wrote a book about my fated partnership with Douglas last year. It's available up at the golf club for £7 and the proceeds go to RNLI and the Rotary. Or you can get it here Stoney Baloney book . Read it to discover just why today's result tastes so so sweet.

My Ear Candy #10 Dawn Ewan

At last, a radio guest on Stoney Baloney with a decent collection of tunes under her arm. I've had to tolerate some guff over recent months but this week I had a virtual full house of acceptable tracks thanks to my guest Dawn Ewan. Only the Guns n Roses selection was a disappointment, most folk enjoy Sweet Child O' Mine but I struggle with it given it's sung by Axl Rose, he grinds my gears and no mistake. It's the same with U2, some decent stuff but I can't listen to them because their lead singer is beyond irksome. Coldplay are another band I have reservations about but Dawn selected 'Yellow' from their triumphant first album, this I deemed acceptable. The other selections were Eagles, Oasis, Pulp and Prince so a healthy collection with which to spend an hour while we found out about Dawn's new business venture, Mucky Boots here's the website

Dawn lives with her family in Muchalls, a stone's throw from Stonehaven, on the road to Aberdeen. She has two children (Emily 8, Fraser 5) upon whom she can trial her outdoor educational ideas, they have landed on their feet being blessed by a cool Mum. For years Dawn has worked in this field (figuratively, not literally) and her new business opens the doors on April 25th in Maryculter, welcoming young children as they investigate what nature might teach them. I'm a southern softie so the prospect of hours in the bleak Aberdeenshire cold would horrify me but as Dawn explained, kids don't feel the cold and are delighted to be outside instead of being couped up between four walls, with boring adults like me. But Dawn aint boring and inspires the kids, I'm confident her business will successfully serve the community and add value to the lives of our young. If only there were similar companies operating in Birmingham back in the 70's, I might have become a better looking Alan Titchmarsh instead of a slobbish couch potato like Stan Ogden.

Dawn's Selections
1. Sweet Child 'O Mine - Guns n Roses
2. Disco 2000 - Pulp
3. Yellow - Coldplay
4. Hotel California - The Eagles
5. When Doves Cry - Prince
6. She's Electric - Oasis