Come uppence

Twelve months ago I found myself in the final of the Stonehaven Golf Club Pairs winter league competition having joined forces with Keith Douglas. We crashed and burned that day, ended up second, and our friendship never recovered from the subsequent recriminations. We ended up in court, before a judge as biased as they come. To this day I defend my position that Douglas contributed sweet bugger-all to our collective performance and I'll blame him for our demise in the final till the day I die, stinking the course out to such an extent that the adjacent herd of cows ran for the hills, their nostrils unable to cope.

Anyhow, letting bygones be bygones (while allowing myself a modicum of bitterness), Douglas today marked the anniversary of our runners-up spot by competing in the 2017 final alongside his new partner, Bruce Ferguson. That's right he sacked me off for someone else. Well chickens come home to roost Douglas and I've just been passed the results of your grand final which provides me with the joyful duty of announcing that you finished a pitiful third. That's right, when the heat was on, you and your partner couldn't cut the mustard, languishing amongst the also-rans. It really couldn't have happened to a nicer person. You thought you'd be better off with someone else eh? Well you've sure managed to move on from second place, just in the wrong direction you useless goon.

My hearty congratulations go out to messrs Riddell & McCallan (pictured). I ought to offer my commiserations to them too for having to spend three and a half hours on a golf course with a pair of cretins. I look forward to seeing the trophy held aloft on the back pages of the Leader, perhaps Kevin and Ross can fill it with champagne and once they've drank the contents, refill it with sewage and deliver it over Douglas's head. Make sure his mouth's open (that shouldn't prove a problem given it's perpetually spouting all manner of guff.)

I wrote a book about my fated partnership with Douglas last year. It's available up at the golf club for £7 and the proceeds go to RNLI and the Rotary. Or you can get it here Stoney Baloney book . Read it to discover just why today's result tastes so so sweet.