Winter League Rd 4 (Star Trek)

Russon & Douglas’s spluttering start to the winter league doubles competition can be attributed to only one man, Keith Douglas, given he didn’t bother turning up for the first two rounds and was barely noticeable in round three. It was pleasing therefore to find him step up to the plate this week and deliver a performance of note, contributing strongly to our team score of 61. He was found wanting on several occasions but largely pulled through and we can only hope he continues this form through the month of December. First though he needs to repair his golf trolley. It’s all very well having the swankiest one in the district but if the handle snaps off the damned thing on the first tee it’s no use to man or beast. I keep telling him that proper golfers carry their bags, you should sling your weapons over your back not transport them around the gloaming upon a trolley that belongs to the Starship Enterprise.

The winter league is very popular at Stonehaven Golf Club and there are plenty of entrants. It isn’t for everybody however, chiefly because the very title puts the less hardy golfers off, suggesting golf in freezing conditions with icicles hanging from their nostrils. The truth though is we've enjoyed beautiful, benign conditions so far this season and it’s been a pleasure to stomp the green fairways of Stonehaven beneath largely cloudless blue skies. The air is fresh, the views beautiful and it can feel like the most tranquil place on earth. The only drawback, and it’s somewhat churlish to mention it, is that you play the last three holes directly into the glare of a low setting sun and for that reason I messed up the closing section of our round. It was time then for my low handicap partner, Keith Douglas, to stand strong for the team, but he fluffed his lines with an amateurish bogey on 17, chunking his chip and allowing it to roll apologetically back to his feet like a naughty dog, tail between its’ legs, being called back by its master. This embarrassing farrago rather took the gloss off an otherwise excellent team score.

Our playing partners were Messrs Duncan & Wood who played adequately without setting the heather alight. If their golf were a Premiership football club it would be more Crystal Palace than Liverpool, grubbing along unspectacularly, accumulating points here and there but entertaining no one in the process. Had tickets been sold, the stadium would have been only half full at the interval with many more drifting home long before the final whistle. It was less champagne and more meat and potatoes golf. Step it up next time please gentlemen.

We’ll all be back for more punishment this weekend. The unofficial Mearns FM duo competing for the honour of Winter League Doubles Champions 2021. We’ve still to arrive at a team name, Mearns FM Marvels seems appropriate for 50% of our team, Mearns FM Muppets for the other 50% until he gets a handle for his supposedly all singing and dancing golf trolley. And buy yourself a razor Douglas, how am I meant to putt when your beard’s shadow falls all over my line?

Ernie’s Debut

38 years ago I pitched up at Stonehaven Golf Club for the very first time, an adolescent kid in burgundy stay press trousers, white socks and loafers (I know 🙄). My family had just moved up from Birmingham and my father reckoned golf was the way forward if I was to make new friends, and he was right. All these years later I still play with the same guys (despite a three decade interregnum when I returned south) and love the place as much as I ever did. Stonehaven Golf Club has been a spiritual home to me for the majority of my life, knocking even Villa Park off its perch, a remarkable feat for those who know me.

So for me to introduce my 7 year old son (Ernie) to the Stonehaven Golf Club experience was a heartwarming moment indeed, like teaching your lad how to ride a bike for the first time, or experience his first football match. He’s heard so much about the place from me, I’m always banging on about it’s views, my history there and the friendships it’s afforded me. In truth, 7 year olds aren’t impressed by misty eyed fathers gushing about yesteryear, I think the modern day response is ‘wot evs’ but, regardless, I was proud as punch to take him up there for a few holes for the very first time. 

The sky was cloudless and blue, the air fresh and the golf poor, but that didn’t matter. I showed him the gully for the first time (the distance of the carry a seemingly impossible feat to a boy so young), we observed the dramatic cliff faces from the vantage points at the 2nd, 6th and 14th, he was shown the old clubhouse ruin at the 7th tee and the incredible panoramic view from the 12th. Okay so he switched off halfway through and I was effectively talking to myself, but no matter, this was a rite of passage and I was determined to see it through. 

Years from now Ernie might, as I did, amble the fairways of SGC with his old man and develop lifelong friendships with folk who will share a love of the game of golf, and in particular the venue of Stonehaven Golf Club. It’s home to many, there’s no better place, and while wearing double denim might find him blackballed for a period, it’ll be worth every minute waiting to be restored into the fold once again.

Winter League Rd 3 (Michelin Man)

 

This weekend marked the third round of the Russon/Douglas assault on the Stonehaven Golf Club winter league doubles competition (quite a mouthful) and for the first time Douglas actually showed up. He needn’t have bothered mind you, his rustiness contributing towards an inglorious combined score of 70 which leaves us in ninth position, or in other words, last.

The portents weren’t good as Douglas arrived barely two minutes before the allotted start time, waddling down the pathway looking like the Michelin Man. Admittedly the weather was somewhat fresh and the temperature low, but Douglas wore enough layers to venture an ascent of Mount Everest. After a couple of holes he was radiating enough heat to power Spurryhillock Trading Estate, his playing partners having to stand twenty yards back for fear of scorching. 

Wearing ten layers of clothing is not conducive to quality golf and as a result Douglas toiled. Our playing partners (Duncan & Wood) dovetailed nicely however, taking it in turns to to contribute, while I was left to take almost full responsibility for our scorecard over the first nine holes. Douglas birdied the 5th, commonly considered the easiest hole on the golf  course, but offered little beyond this, while I birdied the course’s signature hole (7th) and littered our scorecard with solid pars. The back nine found me running out of steam a little and I handed the reigns over to Douglas but he failed to step up to the plate, his attire continuing to impede his golf, as did news via his iPhone of each goal Rangers scored against his beloved Aberdeen (final score 4-0).

Our playing partners scored impressively apart from a grotesque 14th hole which saw Ian dump his tee shot into a gorse bush and Kenny fluff his lines from a bunker. Momentarily we’d brought them down to our level but they restored order with pars all the way in while we contrived to bogey 16 and 18, unforgivable golf which included a second shot from Douglas on 16 which almost departed the golf course down by the third green.

The highlight of the round was all four of us finding the dance floor on the 11th in two shots with the lowlight coming seconds later, after we’d completed our high fiving all the way up to the green, when not one of us managed to hole the putt. It’ll be different next week, I’m bringing my A game, so is Douglas, and provided he doesn’t dress like he’s tackling K2’s summit, we hope to post a sensible score at last.

Winter League Rd 2 (Alone Again)

 

In an unofficial capacity, myself and Keith Douglas are representing Mearns FM in this year’s winter league competition at Stonehaven Golf Club, the idea being we promote the good name of this beloved community radio station (of which I’m a presenter) while entertaining you with updates on our progress via this blog. So If you’re wondering why you’re looking at a photo of a golf bag with a Mearns FM sticker on it, now you know. Beautiful backdrop isn’t it? 18th green with the North Sea coast behind it, the ancient cemetery sandwiched between.

And it’s that cemetery where Douglas will find himself if he goes AWOL again, because that’s two weeks running he’s failed to turn up. His lack of commitment fair beggars belief, this being a doubles competition, the clue is in the title, but for a second time I had to shoulder the entire team effort singlehandedly. His excuse this week? A long weekend on the Isle of Lewis. Pathetic.

But on with the golf, and in a commendable effort to carry the burden alone, I mustered a creditable 74 in the company of Messrs Davie and Robertson in conditions better suited to Mark Spitz and Michael Phelps. It hosed down the whole way round and you had to feel sorry for the visitors playing behind us who clearly weren’t expecting rain and had dressed as if spending a Saturday night out on the pull. They manfully saw it through but departed the course looking like drowned rats and not having pulled anything except clubs from their bags.

My round opened with 7 straight pars but was knocked off course when feeling the pressure of the club captain’s presence. Kenny Duncan is a very affable chap and not prone, I believe, to bouts of anger, but when he politely called us through to hit our tee shots on the 7th and mine whistled past his nose, I did feel somewhat sheepish. Thereafter I felt obliged to reign my immense driving power in, feeling it’d be rude to send another tee shot in the vicinity of his person, and this stepping off of the gas contributed to a poorer next few holes which saw me collecting double bogeys like stamps. One of Kenny’s playing partners (I Wood) I believe had been watching my play and appeared intimidated by the quality of my golf, a cursory glance at his scoring later on verified this assumption. His surname may suggest golfing greatness, his scorecards do not.

I’ve now learned that it’s Rangers v Aberdeen on the telly this Sunday so the likelihood of my playing partner joining me for round 3 is remote. Once again it appears I’ll be carrying the team singlehandedly. That’s fine, I fully understand the importance of footballing rivalries and if Villa were playing Birmingham City I too would be absent. Thankfully that won’t be happening since the hapless Blues continue to hack around in the Championship while Villa are on the brink of topping the Premiership table this weekend with a win over Brighton, local derbies between us and them may never happen again unless we draw them in the cup.

Tight lines everybody, over and out from Mearns FM’s unofficial golfing duo. If you’re into your indie music and football chat, tune in on Mondays and Fridays 9-11pm 👍😎

Winter League Rd 1 (Douglas Disappoints)

This weekend marked the opening round of the Stonehaven Golf Club winter league competition, an annual event with battle joined for two trophies; singles and doubles.

For my part, I have the misfortune this season to be partnering Keith Douglas for the doubles, an individual who is to the concept of reliability what I am to the world of haute cuisine; absolutely useless. And to demonstrate his utter ineptitude at being a winter league partner, he started this year’s campaign by lying prostrate in his scratcher instead of alighting at the first tee, reprehensible behaviour but not unexpected from a goon I spent our last winter campaign carrying all around the golf course. 

But on to matters in hand. Without tying you up in knots regards the intricacies of the competition’s rulebook, the idea in essence is that both team members play each hole and the team score contribution is made by the player scoring lowest. For example, if I play the first hole and score a birdie 3 while Douglas hacks his way to a bogey 5, it is my exemplary birdie that counts towards the team total rather than his ugly bogey (and I use this as an example since it’s far from untypical). The competition is therefore made much harder if only one of the competing duo attends, nevertheless, I manfully carried the weight of the team entirely upon my own shoulders while he went AWOL. 

But further disappointment was to follow. After single handedly mastering Stonehaven GC with a near flawless 14 holes of golf, my playing partners for the day decided enough was enough and steadfastly refused to play the final four holes, preferring a quick exit from the late afternoon gloom rather than an extension to the golfing lesson which I was furnishing them with free gratis. As a result, my excellent performance was rendered futile, since I couldn’t complete the round, and my course record threatening total was instead converted to an apologetic NR (no return). 

It would be rude to name the two brothers who betrayed me in such a disgraceful manner so I’ll just provide their surname; Martin. On second thoughts, that might give their identities away, so instead I’ll give you their first names; Angus and Craig. It’s my hope that they’re able to sleep at night and that Santa wasn’t watching if they’re expecting him to slide down their respective chimneys this Christmas.

This coming weekend represents round 2 of the winter league and I can only hope that a) my partner has the common decency to at least turn up and b) our fourball affords us the courtesy of completing a full round of golf. Why do I have the feeling it’s going to be a long winter?

Commy Night Memories

 

The Commodore Hotel goes down in Stonehaven folklore as being the flagship hotel of the town for the three decades before the turn of the century. The hotel itself was of significant renown, but for locals, it was a place chiefly famous for the weekend discos, gigs and parties, so on September 25th our radio show was devoted to memories of those times (the ones we could refer to without contravening libel laws anyway).

Bongo was our star guest, a born and bred Stoney loon of half a century’s standing, and he guided us through memories of yesteryear’s Commy hijinks, aided by a healthy contribution from hundreds of folk on the Facebook page ‘Stonehaven When You Were A Kid’. Much ground was covered and many laughs shared as we reminisced in between a clutch of songs that reminded us of this glory days. Here’s a flavour from the music set list ...

She Sells Sanctuary (The Cult)

I Travel (Simple Minds)

In A Big Country (Big Country)

I Feel For You (Chaka Khan)

The Reflex (Duran Duran)

New Year’s Day (U2)

Party Fears Two (The Associates)

Move On Up (Curtis Mayfield)

As for the chat, it’d take too long to describe in full the antics recalled by Bongo and myself, so instead, here’s a summary - 

the scaffolding pole incident, the Booed Aff Steps, behind the drapes shenanigans, Greener the disco king, sticky carpets, bucking broncos, inflatable boxing rings, 10 at 10, bouncers, Hearts supporters bust up, hot dog stall, last dance tracks, the Commy conga, Flicks, and much, much more!

Do tune in for episode 2 on Friday Oct 30th 9-11pm, you’ll find us at www.mearnsfm.org.uk and we promise you fun and frolics!

The wanderers return...

After a substantial break from here, I thought it only fair to once again, appraise the world of the weekly shenanigans undertaken on our Mearns FM indie music radio show. Me and co-presenter Brian have been reunited, having been flooded out of the previous studio a month ago by tumultuous weather, and to mark our show’s rebirth I thought it’d be in order to reconvene this blog. The right hand panel gives you access to hundreds of previous posts if you want a flavour (mostly radio show and golf tomfoolery related) and I’ll endeavour to provide an update each week. I find it’s important to keep one’s public happy.

The new studio is on the third floor of a building in the centre of Stonehaven so there’s surely no chance of being flooded out of here? We found turds floating past our ankles at the last gaff after Stonehaven’s drainage system failed to cope with a massive downpour, hence the relocation, and we’re delighted with our new home.

New music, and old, every week, indie, alternative and a bit of ska, you’ll be made very welcome.