Last Knockin's At The Wacky Races

32 teams entered The Winter League Scratch Pairs competition and as we enter the last knockings, 8 are still in with a chance of qualifying for the final. A detailed explanation of the rules would have you losing the will to live, suffice to say the final will be contested by the 4 teams with the ten lowest accumalative scores. Let’s just leave the accompanying rules and sub-rules for another day.

Miraculously, Keith Douglas and I are still in with a shout. Despite months of squabbling, name calling and even an exchange of solicitor’s letters, we remain a partnership and sit in fourth position with an average score of 66. The three leading partnerships are each averaging 64 and look nailed on for qualification which leaves a straight fight between five other teams, ours included, with average scores from 66-69. In truth, it’s probably tatties for the Arthur/Officer combo at 69 but they may shoot the lights out you never know. It’s definitely tatties for anyone scoring worse than an average of 69, great big hairy ones shaped like phallic symbols. Sadly, some partnerships have scored so poorly that ‘tatties’ doesn’t cover it, an entire Aberdeenshire potato crop couldn’t ably describe their chances and in one particular case the gross domestic output of the UK’s potato industry wouldn’t be adequate. No, the truth is it’s down to 8 likely contestants.

Here’s a list of the 8 contenders, some have completed their ten rounds while others have further rounds to complete (*). For ease of use I’ve simply averaged teams’ scores to formulate this leaderboard –

64 Irvine/Roulston

64 Dempster/McGilvary

64 Pittendreigh/Adamson*

66 Russon/Douglas*

67 Robb/McFarlane*

68 Duncan/Wood

68 Taylor/McAllan

69 Arthur/Officer

There are only four more opportunities to complete the ten round total for those marked *. Pittendreigh/Adamson have only played six rounds, all it’ll take is one bad curry and a dose of the squits to rule them out so they need to be careful, but if they avoid disaster they should qualify. This therefore leaves the fourth and final qualifying spot as a likely battle between myself/Douglas and Robb/McFarlane.

I’m all for an even contest but feel duty-bound to warn Messrs Robb & McFarlane of peculiar happenings at Stonehaven Golf Club in recent years. Superstition has never been a part of my life, I’m quite happy to walk under a ladder and enter a doorway with no.13 above it, I couldn’t care a fig. Others are less cavalier however so I thought I’d point out that, according to folklore,  every year during the weekends of late February and early March, gangs of hoodlums wearing balaclavas have been known to accost car owners as they enter the driveway of Stonehaven Golf Club.  A peculiar yet noteworthy aspect of these confrontations has been that they are only dished out to gentlemen carrying the surnames of “Robb” and “MacFarlane”, and ALWAYS end with A SEVERE THRASHING OF THE VICTIMS TO WITHIN AN INCH OF THEIR LIVES .   

I mention this only in passing since, I repeat, I’m not superstitious, but that said, it might be deemed irresponsible to ignore such a warning were your name to be Robb or MacFarlane. Some might suggest that for them to cock a snook at this warning might be to invite trouble. I’ll leave it there but all things considered, I know that if I were them I WOULDN’T RISK BEING WITHIN A MILLION MILES OF STONEHAVEN GOLF CLUB FOR THE NEXT MONTH OR SO. Just sayin’ like.

Over and out from deepest Auchenblae.