Physio 2

I needn't have bothered buying a new pair of pants for my second physio appointment, I could have worn my tired old Y-fronts after all. Last week my physio had me stripped down to my undercrackers before I'd finished saying " good morning", this week she only wanted me topless. That's bad enough mind you. My wife barely sees me without a shirt yet here I was stood stripped to the waist before a young lady half my age. Some blokes might be delighted at the prospect, I was horrified. It's okay if you're formed like a Greek Adonis, bulging biceps and ripped pectorals, it's no fun though when your pathetic, pale white torso droops apologetically beneath sagging moob action.

I'm ashamed of my body, so to have a super fit physiotherapist regard it from a distance of two paces was chastening indeed. I stood with my handlebars of flesh rolling over my waistband, my one pack hiding itself behind an ocean of blubber and my man breasts hanging forlornly, crying out for a sports bra to give them comfort. This was agonising but worse was to come. She asked me to put my hands on my hips, lean backwards and tell her if there was any pain, there wasn't. I was then instructed to bend forward and touch my toes and in a double whammy of disaster I saw my stomach form three embarrassing tyres as I leant forward and, mortifyingly, I inadvertently broke wind. Mercifully an odour didn't result but the audible guff squeak was enough to cement my deep embarrassment. She pretended she hadn't heard it but there was no denying I'd dropped my lunch, we shuffled across to the physiotherapist bed, wordlessly, while I waited for the ground to swallow me up.

I've never had acupuncture before, not that women haven't been tempted to put needles into me over the years, form an orderly queue ladies. Today though I was to experience it for the first time as my physio pierced the skin at the base of my spine with several pins while talking about the weather. The stretches and excercises I'd been doing hadn't worked so already we were on to acupuncture, if this doesn't work I expect amputation's next.

It was soon over and I buttoned my shirt while she diarised our next session. The back pain persists and my golf remains under threat, it's no fun swinging a club while your back is screaming for you to stop. I'll keep going back though until they fix me, I'll try to keep my sphincter closed next time mind.