In the absence of a golf report (course closed due to snow),
I thought I’d share with you the following letter which I received from a
solicitor this week. It reads as follows –
Dear Mr Russon
It has been brought to
our attention by our client, K Douglas of Stonehaven, that you have been
publishing libellous material against him. Upon examination of your blog Stoney
Baloney, we are in full agreement with our client and hereby demand action is
taken before legal proceedings are sought. We have been instructed to act in the
strongest possible terms and, if you’ll pardon the vulgarity, been requested,
in our client’s words, to “ take you to the fu#*ing cleaners”. We therefore
insist that you both publish a full retraction of your slanderous comments and
issue a comprehensive apology. If action is not taken within 7 days, we have
been instructed by our client to sue you for every penny you’ve got and pursue
you to the ends of the earth in this regard.
We await your
response.
Yours sincerely
B. Hind Barrs
Solicitors
As you can imagine, it was quite a shock to receive such a
letter and not a little unsettling. My children have subsequently had
nightmares believing I’m going to prison and my wife has threatened to leave
me. However, if my winter league partner is without sufficient honour to deal
with this man to man I have no choice but to fall on my sword and carry out the
instructions given by his solicitor. Moreover, if I’m to retain any hope of
seizing the winter league trophy I’ll need to fulfil the remaining fixtures
alongside Douglas so I’d best keep him sweet. I therefore issue the following
response ‘in all sincerity’ and
confirm that the accusations I made against him were indeed ‘a figment of my imagination’.
Dear Keith
I write to confirm
that you did not thieve money from my golf bag while I was putting out on the 7th
green (even
though you were the only person present within 500 yards). I also now
accept that the suggestion that I carry you around the course while you contribute
nothing towards our team effort is
inaccurate (please return the bill sent to you by my back physio). In addition
I confirm you do not have poor etiquette, shocking dress sense, halitosis, bad flatulence
or a potty mouth. You did not stand me up when I kindly arrived to collect you
for a lift into Aberdeen before Christmas, you don’t belch in my backswing and
at no time have you let my tyres down in the club car park.
I hope this ‘heartfelt’
apology is satisfactory to you and that you will continue to form a partnership
with me for the remainder of the winter league. You are indeed a fine
upstanding pillar of the community, a man of integrity and it is my great
fortune that you stooped low enough to accept me as your partner (even if
everybody else had turned you down flat). I’m sorry for any distress I
may have caused you, rest assured there will be no repeat of the inaccurate
criticism I have levelled your way.
I look forward with
relish to our reunion next Saturday on the 1st tee, please don’t be
distracted by the welcoming committee of black suited bouncers from the boozer
I used to drink in when residing in inner city Birmingham. Furthermore, do not
be disturbed by their surly manner or the vast array of instruments of torture
which they’re likely to exhibit. Your safety is, I guarantee, assured.
In
closing, I also apologise for the discovery of a horse’s head in your scratcher
this morning, I accidentally misplaced it when driving home from work.
I hope this puts an end to the matter.
Yours without contempt
and in friendship alone
Alex Russon
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