New Rule #7 (sabotaged)

Twinning Arrangement

Stonehaven Golf Club’s announcement today that it is ‘twinning’ with Letham Grange GC has left me with mixed emotions. While I look forward to enjoying Letham at the earliest opportunity, I must confess to bittersweet feelings regarding the arrangement.

Unbeknown to the SGC committee, I’d been involved in hush hush negotiations with another golf club regarding a similar agreement but today’s somewhat premature announcement puts the kybosh on that. A confidentiality clause prevents me from naming the club in question but I am at liberty to reveal it was an inner city Birmingham location and negotiations had reached an advanced stage. Only a few loose ends remained and I’d secured confirmation that these would be tied up by month end. While congratulating Letham Grange on the deal they’ve struck, I can’t help but wonder what might have been had the last few issues been resolved by their Birmingham counterparts, namely :-

1.Removal of the last eight dozen empty beer cans from the back nine.

2.Return to Asda of all shopping trolleys floating in the canal adjacent to the 7^th fairway.

3.Eviction of the four winos who’d set up camp in the deep bushes by the 4^th.

4.Repair of quad bike tracks left on the 12^th green following last week’s police chase from the local jewellers.

5.Dismissal of the club secretary for supporting Birmingham City.

6.Installation of thirty foot security fence along the length of the 3^rd hole to protect players from being stoned by homeward bound school kids.

7.Citizen’s arrest of the golf ball thieves brazenly marching from the bushes to lift balls from the 4^th green (see no3 above).

8.Appointment of car park security guard to ensure players no longer return to their vehicles to find them on bricks.

As I say, only a handful of minor creases to be ironed out. Perhaps you’ll agree with me  that the committee rather jumped the gun when approving the Letham Grange initiative. Nevertheless, I applaud them for nominating a club that doesn’t count Jasper Carrot amongst its membership and as a result I hereby grant the arrangement my blessing.