My Ear Candy #14 - Gerry Robertson

This week's guest was Gerry Robertson who brought along a glamorous bodyguard in the shape of Laura, the pair of them rockers from Perth (Scotland not Australia) now living in Aberdeen. I must confess to a degree of apprehension having to play six tracks selected by a greaser but I found myself pleasantly surprised, who knew that heavy metal could be listenable?

I'm something of a music expert, my ears honed to only the best in indie music's cannon from yesteryear and the present day, I'm down with the kids and no mistake. Heavy metal has always passed me by, aside from the Ace Of Spades and Paranoid, not for me the ear shattering din of shaggy haired beardos, disappearing up their own rectums with their never ending screeching guitar solos. I remember a kid at school called Selwyn (who calls their kid Selwyn?) who wore a denim jacket with a 'Rainbow' badge sewn across the back and stank of petunia, he invited me to his house once and played this insufferable metal stuff and it put me off for life...or so I thought. For tonight, much to my surprise and I admit it, disappointment, I found myself enjoying heavy metal music. I'll say that again, I enjoyed heavy metal.

I didn't enjoy all of it mind you, the Aerosmith track got off to a decent start but petered out somewhat and Deep Purple was a bit of a dirge, the rest though wasn't bad at all. Thin Lizzy's track was familiar to me but I had egg on my face when announcing the lead singer had been married to Bob Monkhouse's daughter only to wiki it later to find it was Leslie Crowther (just to clarify, the lead singer married Leslie Crowther's daughter, not Leslie Crowther.) The AC/DC one was familiar too, but the biggest shock was listening to Ozzy Osborne sing melodically, something I wasn't aware he was capable of.

We rounded off the show with The Scorpions, a shared passion of Gerry and Laura's. Our chat during the show took in the subjects of football, any excuse for me to talk about Aston Villa, and the voluntary work Gerry and Laura do with Befriend A Child, taking a young lad out for a couple of hours every other weekend to give him some fun while his mum deals with the stuff of life. This charity does wonderful life affirming work, do get involved if you can because they need more volunteers.

9pm arrived, our signal to quit. A fun time was had by all and a poke of chips was had by me as I drove back to Aberdeen. Bad move, the car stank the next day.

Gerry's selections
Thin Lizzy - The Boys Are Back In Town
Aerosmith - Sweet Emotion
AC/DC - Highway to Hell
Deep Purple - Perfect Strangers
Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train
The Scorpions - The Zoo 

My Ear Candy #13 - Kristine Buchanan

I suppose it's come to rather a pretty pass when your radio show guest is a fellow presenter but I had good reason to invite Kristine Buchanan on to my Stoney Baloney show this week. That reason isn't springing to mind quite yet but perhaps by paragraph three it will come to me. Inviting fellow presenters on is an insidious business, somewhat grotesque in its' nepotistic tendency, but I won't say anymore on the matter because I've exhausted my library of big words.

So it came to pass that I played the five tracks which provide a soundtrack to Kristine's eventful life, 'eventful' perhaps something of an understatement. Here is a woman who left her American roots twenty plus years ago to reward the UK with her presence, her mystery tour of the island starting in Brighton, taking her further north to London, north yet again to her current home in the Mearns, next stop Wick? That's a question not an instruction, although if she ever returns to my show and plays that damned Bruno Mars song again I will personally drive her to Wick and leave her there. I give my guests carte blanche to select any tracks they like but my hospitality is regularly abused I'm sad to say, my listeners insulted with all manner of sub standard guff and tonight we had to suffer the white noise of Uptown bleedin' Funk, surely the most irritating song since Black Lace belched out Agadoo.

Kristine's other four tracks varied between bearable and impressive, indeed the Dan Fogelburg effort was something of a triumphant discovery, I might be tempted to hijack it myself. Willie Nelson's velvety voice is always a pleasant tonic so that track passed muster but Garth Brook's effort fell a long way short of acceptability. Kristine's description of people from Brook's home state of Oklahoma was priceless though, I thought I held yam yams (Black Country folk) in low regard but my disdain is nothing as compared to my Texan guest's opinion of Oklahoma's residents who would appear to be six fingered carrot crunchers with little respect for personal hygiene. There wasn't time for the sixth track Kristine had nominated since we'd prattled on too long discussing this and indeed that. She did manage to cram in a Lyle Lovett track, you must google him, the guy wears a bird's nest above his eyes and is potentially the ugliest man I have ever seen. Quite what his former wife Julia Roberts saw in the millionaire famous musician I'll never know. He was punching so far above his weight he surely used step ladders.

We broadcast from a studio within Stonehaven Town Hall and while we were on, the event being held in the main hall, plainly playing second fiddle to my radio show, was a Wizard Of Oz performance. Their audience were somewhat disappointed to find the Tin Man wearing just jeans and a t-shirt for which I blame event security who were asleep on the job when I took a fancy to Tin Man's shiny silver costume which I spotted when walking to the lavatorie, I couldn't resist broadcasting the show in it. If nothing else it provided a ready made excuse for my show were it too sound a little rusty (I theng yoo.)

Thanks to Kristine for being a super guest, you really must listen to her Lone Star Show 6-7pm on Thursdays, it's always a riotous affair and her beautiful American accent provides a happy alternative to my drab monotone Brummy drawl. Her music ain't as good as mine though, FACT! Next week I have Finn Marsden as my guest, another example of fellow presenter neopotism. Still, he's cheap and accessible and as last resorts go I suppose he'll just have to do. Meantime here's a link to my show this week, just select Stoney Baloney from the list Stoney Baloney- Kristine Buchanan

Kristine's Selections
'Buttermilk Sky' by Willie Nelson
'That's Right, You're Not From Texas' by Lyle Lovett
'The Leader of the Band' by Dan Fogelberg
'Uptown Funk' by Mark Robson ft Bruno Mars
'Papa Loved Momma' by Garth Brooks

Monkeying Around

I ticked something off my bucket list last week, a little something I've always wanted to do but never had the chance. I know it's bound to be on your bucket list too but I'm afraid I've beaten you to it, yes,  I've achieved a three hour radio broadcast dedicated to Depeche Mode.

I've been obsessed with this band for three decades, ever since my mate at that time, Jason Waddleton, played me a song called 'Leave In Silence', a song which was reprehensibly described by Paul Weller as having less melody than the sound coming out of Kenny Wheeler's arsehole. Now you know why I never play The Jam on my show. Any road, despite the misgivings of Mr Weller, I've been hooked on Depeche Mode since then and decided the Mearns FM listenership required educating.

I was aided and abetted by my good friend Ian Monk who had kindly travelled from Redditch (nr Birmingham) to share his DM devotion with me. The whole show was a blast, encompassing b-sides, album tracks, remixes and live recordings that covered the band's back catalogue dating to their first single in 1981 'Dreaming Of Me'. We had folk listening in from across the globe, modern day media capabilities enabling online listeners to share our output wherever they were, and the request I put out for favourite b-side amassed 240 votes in no time. It ain't just me and Ian who's obsessed with the band. Things perhaps got a little bit anal in that we discussed the finer points of DM's career including Martin Gore recording 'Somebody' while stark naked, my only marrying my first wife because she'd kissed Dave Gahan at an album signing and the co-presenters squabbling over the best track off the album Music For The Masses, all rather unseemly. Nevertheless, our passion shone through, it was just a shame the  studio didn't have a webcam to show us dancing manically to Never Let Me Down Again. Second thoughts, it's not a shame at all.

We're considering another instalment in coming months, maybe stretching it to four hours since three was never enough. DM's discography merits it and I won't rest until the wider world has had the opportunity to share the wonder that is Depeche Mode. I've travelled to Hamburg to see them, queued for a day to meet them, been to four of their gigs in seven days, written a fanzine about them and plastered my walls with their album covers. I won't go into the lengths of Ian's devotion but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he had their faces tattooed on his intimate parts. I know I have.

Thanks to Ian for sharing a memorable show with me and to the hundreds who contributed. The following night 80,000 people saw Depeche Mode play at the Olympic Stadium, so if you're reading this Paul Weller, send me a recording of Kenny Wheeler's anal announcements because they must be absolutely superb.

You can listen again by clicking this following link and choosing the 'Alex Russon - Stoney Baloney' show. It's available till Friday DM radio show

My Ear Candy #12 Amy Eley

I've not had any guests on these last couple of weeks what with the station hosting council election hustings one Friday and me off with gut rot the next (unrelated). Thankfully it was business as usual this week and I was joined by a beautiful person, Amy Eley, who played some less than beautiful music but hey ho, I've had worse (the week someone had me playing two tracks from Tina Turner for example, I ask you).

I met Amy sometime ago through our respective day jobs in the finance industry, we''ll leave the work speak there, don't want you falling asleep, that's reserved for the listeners. We talked about our shared musical tastes, soon establishing we haven't any, but Amy kindly accepted my invitation to share her favourite tracks with those who might be interested so it came to pass on May 5th that Mearns FM belted out Amy's top six songs and they're listed, appropriately, at the bottom. (Before I forget, I do hope that on the day prior to our radio broadcast that you remembered to take advantage of the annual opportunity to say 'may the fourth be with you' when greeting friends. Ah yes, there's no end to my comedic talent, it's why I've got so many friends).

I played my indie standards for the first hour then we tucked into Amy's set while chatting about her life which has incorporated Edinburgh, Inverurie but mostly Tarves, a place I must confess I'd never heard of before but then I don't suppose Amy has heard of Erdington either (an inner city enclave within spitting distance of Birmingham's greatest ever football club). It was gratifying to hear Amy had assembled a fan club in an Inverurie sitting room which had gathered around a radio and a case of Prosecco, I'm happy for my listening figures to be trebled by a lounge-full of giggling girls. Whether Amy had the bravery to visit them on her way home was another matter given she'd announced on air that her lifetime best friend was Emma... not present amomgst the Inverurie massive. Awwwwkward.

We had a good laugh, despite the music, the selections at least book ended by decent sounds, Travis to start and that all time classic by Foreigner to finish, but there was an obscure Queen track along the way, a mediocre Mumford & Sons effort and lamentably, I was forced to broadcast that shocker 'Black Velvet' by Alannah Myles. Dear oh dear the things you have to do for this radio station. I'd award a 6/10 to Amy for her musical tastes but 9/10 for her company (it would have been 10/10 but she didn't bring any biscuits). Thanks for coming and good luck in September when you become Chris's blushing bride, just make sure he gets to pick the music for the first dance 😏

Amy's selections
1. Travis - Turn

2. Alannah Myles - Black Velvet

3. Muse - Starlight 

4. Queen - Old Fashioned Lover Boy 

5. Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man  

6. Foreigner - I Want To Know What Love Is

My Ear Candy #11 James McConville

Springtime, don't you just love it? Days are brighter, evenings longer, people chirpier, the torment of a bleak winter behind us, Spring provides a gateway into the Summer, bliss. Not, however, if you're a bleedin' Friday night community radio presenter. You try retaining your listening figures on a balmy Springtime evening when all folk want to do is walk on the beach or grab an ice cream at Aunty Betty's. Let's face it, my listening figures are paltry at the best of times, harsh winters at least give me hope with people locked in their homes like prisoners, they're more likely to switch on the radio. Persuading listeners to tune in though when glorious sunshine beckons is quite another matter, so I receive the onset of Spring with mixed emotions.

Still, those loyal enough to tune in this week were treated to the customary eclectic indie rock sprinkled with random classics (when I say classics I mean classics, not Simply The Best by Tina Turner or guff of that ilk, I'm talking Life's What You Make It by Talk Talk and Intergalactic by The Beastie Boys kind of stuff.) On this week's show I duly pleasured my listeners' ears between 7-8pm then welcomed my guest James McConville for the second hour as he played six tracks which are significant to him. I used to call this the 'Desert Island Disc' slot until someone pointed out the BBC had stolen my idea (fifty years prior) and it might be an idea to drop the label unless I knew a very good solicitor.

It would be fair to say the majority of James' choices would be unlikely to feature in my own top six, or indeed six thousand, however none of his selections offended me, except perhaps the System Of A Down racket which veered through five different genres in the space of four minutes. We chatted about James' life and his wife (more of her later) and enjoyed a very pleasant hour together. What did I discover about James in this period? Well firstly, our shared revulsion of football clubs wearing blue. My claret and blue tendencies insist that I won't rest until Birmingham City are demoted from league football until they reside in the abyss known as the Conference, similarly James had as much time for Rangers as he did of a dose of the squits. We learned too of the passion he has for his chosen vocation within the accountancy sector where he's happily employed by Johnston Carmichael in Aberdeen. 

James's Celtic support results from his Glasgow roots but he moved to the north east when his parents relocated and he met Claire/Clare (apologies, should have clarified the spelling) who he subsequently married. For how much longer they'll be married is a moot point given he dedicated the Queen track 'Fat Bottomed Girls' to her, which should see him down at the divorce courts within forty eight hours.

This blooper apart, I'd like to thank James for being a tremendous guest. If you brush up on one or two selections I'll happily invite you on again my friend, you'll be glad of the company given you'll be a single man.

James' Selections

1. Spirit in the Sky - Dr & The Medics
2. A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash
3. Black or White - Michael Jackson
4. Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen
5. Radio/Video - System of a Down
6.The Red Rose Café - The Fureys

Come uppence

Twelve months ago I found myself in the final of the Stonehaven Golf Club Pairs winter league competition having joined forces with Keith Douglas. We crashed and burned that day, ended up second, and our friendship never recovered from the subsequent recriminations. We ended up in court, before a judge as biased as they come. To this day I defend my position that Douglas contributed sweet bugger-all to our collective performance and I'll blame him for our demise in the final till the day I die, stinking the course out to such an extent that the adjacent herd of cows ran for the hills, their nostrils unable to cope.

Anyhow, letting bygones be bygones (while allowing myself a modicum of bitterness), Douglas today marked the anniversary of our runners-up spot by competing in the 2017 final alongside his new partner, Bruce Ferguson. That's right he sacked me off for someone else. Well chickens come home to roost Douglas and I've just been passed the results of your grand final which provides me with the joyful duty of announcing that you finished a pitiful third. That's right, when the heat was on, you and your partner couldn't cut the mustard, languishing amongst the also-rans. It really couldn't have happened to a nicer person. You thought you'd be better off with someone else eh? Well you've sure managed to move on from second place, just in the wrong direction you useless goon.

My hearty congratulations go out to messrs Riddell & McCallan (pictured). I ought to offer my commiserations to them too for having to spend three and a half hours on a golf course with a pair of cretins. I look forward to seeing the trophy held aloft on the back pages of the Leader, perhaps Kevin and Ross can fill it with champagne and once they've drank the contents, refill it with sewage and deliver it over Douglas's head. Make sure his mouth's open (that shouldn't prove a problem given it's perpetually spouting all manner of guff.)

I wrote a book about my fated partnership with Douglas last year. It's available up at the golf club for £7 and the proceeds go to RNLI and the Rotary. Or you can get it here Stoney Baloney book . Read it to discover just why today's result tastes so so sweet.

My Ear Candy #10 Dawn Ewan

At last, a radio guest on Stoney Baloney with a decent collection of tunes under her arm. I've had to tolerate some guff over recent months but this week I had a virtual full house of acceptable tracks thanks to my guest Dawn Ewan. Only the Guns n Roses selection was a disappointment, most folk enjoy Sweet Child O' Mine but I struggle with it given it's sung by Axl Rose, he grinds my gears and no mistake. It's the same with U2, some decent stuff but I can't listen to them because their lead singer is beyond irksome. Coldplay are another band I have reservations about but Dawn selected 'Yellow' from their triumphant first album, this I deemed acceptable. The other selections were Eagles, Oasis, Pulp and Prince so a healthy collection with which to spend an hour while we found out about Dawn's new business venture, Mucky Boots here's the website

Dawn lives with her family in Muchalls, a stone's throw from Stonehaven, on the road to Aberdeen. She has two children (Emily 8, Fraser 5) upon whom she can trial her outdoor educational ideas, they have landed on their feet being blessed by a cool Mum. For years Dawn has worked in this field (figuratively, not literally) and her new business opens the doors on April 25th in Maryculter, welcoming young children as they investigate what nature might teach them. I'm a southern softie so the prospect of hours in the bleak Aberdeenshire cold would horrify me but as Dawn explained, kids don't feel the cold and are delighted to be outside instead of being couped up between four walls, with boring adults like me. But Dawn aint boring and inspires the kids, I'm confident her business will successfully serve the community and add value to the lives of our young. If only there were similar companies operating in Birmingham back in the 70's, I might have become a better looking Alan Titchmarsh instead of a slobbish couch potato like Stan Ogden.

Dawn's Selections
1. Sweet Child 'O Mine - Guns n Roses
2. Disco 2000 - Pulp
3. Yellow - Coldplay
4. Hotel California - The Eagles
5. When Doves Cry - Prince
6. She's Electric - Oasis