Duo's days are numbered

2015 enters its final week and rumours abound that the winter league partnership of Russon and Douglas will not make it into 2016. The relationship has been a tempestuous one from the outset but recent developments suggest the final nail has been hammered into the coffin. Alex Russon, the primary member of the partnership in terms of golfing ability, takes up the story…

“ Douglas has been a difficult partner from the start. A player of my calibre needs someone he can trust, a person of integrity, a partner to be relied upon for support and motivation. From the very beginning though the bloke has acted like a right cretin, complaining that I don’t replace flagsticks, grumbling that I don’t complete the scorecard, running me over with his remote controlled golf trolley and breaking wind in my backswing. I’ve had a quiet word with him but his behaviour shows no sign of improvement. I was close to throwing in the towel when he abandoned our fixture a few weeks ago in order to attend the Klitchko v Fury fight in Dusseldorf and take a tour of the Becks Bier factory. What kind of commitment is that when your co-player dedicates his time to alcohol and international sport rather than play eighteen holes on a freezing morning in Stoney? In the rain”.

We asked Russon what had happened in recent days to push the partnership to breaking point. ..

“ To tell the truth, Douglas had been pleading throughout the Autumn for someone to partner him in the winter league. One member after another declined his advances, they were too polite to tell him to his face but I’d heard through the grapevine that his halitosis had turned most of them away.

Rumour had it that he could fall a horse from twenty paces with his veritable bison breath, but I like to do my bit for the community so agreed to partner him in the winter league regardless. I took pity on him yet have been rewarded by petulance, poor golf and a succession of petty incidents until this week came the final straw”.

Russon goes on…

“ Keith had promised some blokes he worked with that he’d take them for a Christmas jolly to the bowling alley at Codonas in Aberdeen. He dropped this into conversation during our last round and I waited patiently for an invite too, it was not forthcoming. Nevertheless,  rather than take the huff  I graciously offered to drive his entourage from Stonehaven to Aberdeen since my family motor accommodates seven. This would save him money on taxi fares . He accepted my kind offer and the time was set for me to collect them from Troupers at 12.30 that coming Wednesday. My PA duly shuffled my diary, rearranging appointments with customers and colleagues alike ( I have a very demanding senior executive position within the bank and my time is sacred). Out of the kindness of my heart I allowed two hours from my tight schedule to ferry Keith and his herberts into town. Rudely interrupting an over running meeting to leave Aberdeen at midday, you can imagine my disgust when  half an hour later I arrived at Troupers in Stonehaven to learn that they’d all piled into taxis and skidaddled. Pleased though I was to see my mother’s cousin George Soutar after a twenty odd year gap, I have to confess to being somewhat miffed to find myself sharing a drink with him in Troupers rather than giving Keith and his merry men a lift into town. So I telephoned Keith to voice my displeasure, the following is an account of the conversation”.

“ Keith? It’s Alex. Where are you”.

“ In a taxi, just passing Portlethen”.

“ But I said I’d take you all in”.

“ Aye but you didnae turn up so I got taxis”.

“ Didn’t turn up? I’m stood outside Troupers now”.

“  I said 12.15”

“ No you didn’t, we agreed 12,30”.

“ Aye but I texted this morn tae change it”.

“ I didn’t get a text”.

“ How nae? I sent it at 10”.

We then established that he’d sent it to the wrong number.

 “ Regardless of that,  I told you I’d be here and I am here”

“ Aye well, I’m nae”

“ Yes I’ve established that you tosser”

“ Up yours Russon”

“ Up yours yourself Douglas”

“ ~*#k off”

“ No you ~*#k off”

“ Come here and say that”

“ Tell the driver to stop and I ~*#king will”.

“ Hemmin, you and fa’s army?”

" Don't need an army, you're as hard as my first s~*#e and that was a skitter".

….and so it continued, the conversation degenerating into personal insult and without resolution. There I stood in my three piece suit, car engine running, waiting to take a collection of downbeats into town only to be stood up, let down and abused for my trouble. There you have my winter league partner ladies and gentlemen, as trustworthy as a chocolate fireguard and as useful as one. I’m not one for violence but in Douglas’s case it’s crystal clear that the only language he understands is a good hiding. I know a couple of lads at a boozer I used to frequent in Walsall, I’ll get them on the case. But don’t report that bit” said Russon.

We understand the duo’s respective management teams have organised peace talks with a view to the team fulfilling their winter league fixtures. The likelihood of a happy outcome is slim, not least because Douglas can’t be trusted to arrive at the meeting on time, if at all, the unreliable waster. Time will tell but as we stand today, the Stonehaven Golf Club Winter League trophy may be spared a terminal rusting by Keith Douglas’s breath. Every cloud has a silver lining so they say.