New Rule #2.

To continue my blueprint for Stonehaven Golf Club 2016 I would now like to introduce new rule number 2, this one deals with the humps on the first hole.

There are few more pitiful sights in golf than someone failing to reach the humps on the 1^st at Stonehaven. Situated barely one hundred yards in front of the tee, the humps decorate rather than protect the fairway and there’s simply no excuse  for your ball to do anything other than sail over them.

As a youngster taking your first steps in the game it’s forgivable, as a grown man however it is nothing but a public disgrace. I am therefore advocating that players who fail to strike their opening drives beyond the humps must play their second shots with their trousers placed around their ankles. Such a policy will encourage members to improve their driving and as a consequence the club will develop quality golfers rather than the shameful duffers we tolerate today.

A portable vanity shield will be kept between the practice green and the cemetery should any member have ‘gone commando’ and require a facility to change into Y-fronts for the purpose of playing their second shot. A selection of under garments will be available should Y-fronts not be your style, eg. jock straps, G-strings and edible knickers in three different flavours. On no account may members bare their backsides on the first hole fairway, or worse, reveal their furniture in full view of the clubhouse.  We boast a vibrant Ladies section here at Stonehaven and have no desire to reverse this happy position. We cannot risk mass resignations because some old boy forgets to put his long johns on of a morning, duffs his drive beneath the clubhouse window and plays his second shot revealing his glory to the world.

Further penalties will be introduced should members repeat the hump offence. If a player on two consecutive occasions fails to reach the humps from the first tee, he must complete the hole in nothing but a leopardskin thong and should the offence be repeated a third time, the entire eighteen holes must be completed in a luminous green mankini*.

*This rule will be introduced at the commencement of British Summer time, we don’t want to make national headlines because a member perishes on the 5^th green in January with hyperthermia.