Round 5 - Gale Force 18

Imagine standing on an aeroplane’s wings as it flies at thirty thousand feet. Now imagine yourself standing on said aeroplane, this time with a golf club in your hand, and being asked to strike a golf ball into the 200mph headwind. There you have an accurate description of today’s playing conditions in round five of our winter league journey. 

A six club wind buffeted us from pillar to post, balls oscillating on the greens, tree branches flying through the air, flagsticks broken in two, the netting around the 2^nd tee uprooted and blown onto the train tracks, the greenkeeper's shed last seen flying over Muchalls in a wind strong enough to blow your hair off never mind your hat. Mercifully there was no rain but the wind itself deemed the course virtually unplayable. Those that completed their rounds have been invited to Buckingham Palace to receive honorary knighthoods for bravery and services to golf.

Yet despite the veritable hurricane, the Russon/Douglas combo notched a very creditable 67 and for once I’m prepared to concede that Douglas was the main man, standing up to the howling winds with a heroic back nine culminating in a miracle birdie on 18. It all started so differently though as the photo above illustrates. Yes that’s former Stonehaven club champion, Keith Douglas, suffering the ignominy of playing his second shot from the humps on the 1^st having delivered a worm burning drive that had no right to call itself a golf shot. Just as crap footballers shouldn’t wear pink boots, golf club duffers ought not play in bright orange Rickie Fowler breeks. A retrospective stripping of Keith’s championship title seems rightful although on reflection he did redeem himself in spectacular style, knocking his second shot to twenty feet and draining the birdie putt. 

A succession of pars followed, as did random chases across fairways in pursuit of tumbling golf caps, headcovers and towels. It was like a scene from the closing credits of the Benny Hill Show and I lost count of how often my backswing was serenaded by the sound of my carry bag crashing to the floor.

For those who know the course, check out some of these club selections from the back nine. 14^th – rescue, 15^th – rescue, and on the last hole Keith nailed a full-on driver to be pin high for his birdie. That’s a driver on a 172 yard par 3. Conditions were brutal, we felt like we’d gone three rounds with Mike Tyson by the time we reached the sanctuary of the clubhouse whereupon we were greeted by the sight of a dozen elder members in their John Daly slacks and Christmas jumpers, embarking on their annual festive shindig. If their all dayer in town was anywhere near as wild as our eighteen holes I expect to be reading about them in the Sunday papers.

PS. Thanks to Darren for his pleasurable company today. He’s a taxi driver by trade, I'll keep his number handy for when Villa's latest manager gets the bullet and needs a lift to the airport.