Ryder Cup lies in tatters

It is with profound regret that 

I announce my unavailability 

for the forthcoming 

Ryder Cup at Hazeltine
Minnesota. 

Rumours have been circulating, understandably, that I would be an automatic wildcard pick by captain Darren Clarke however I must put the record straight and confirm that I will not be making myself available for selection. Clearly this has caused a great deal of controversy however I’d like to place on record my appreciation for the way Darren has received this ‘shattering news’ (his words not mine).

I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank my fans for their continued support. My withdrawal has not been an easy decision but given the circumstances I believe it to be the right one. Family comes first and I’ve to take my daughter Emily to choir practice in Stonehaven on the Saturday and my wife’s car needs taking in for a service the day before. She works shifts you see. Darren pleaded with me to at least play in the Sunday singles even if I couldn't participate on the Friday and Saturday but in my view team morale would be adversely affected if I bumped Rory off the anchor role to play Speith on the final day. Besides, we go to the in-laws on Sunday lunchtimes for a roast.

In conclusion I’d like to reassure the committee of Stonehaven Golf Club that I plan to honour in full my commitment to the 2016 schedule and as a gesture of gratitude for their continued support, will reduce my appearance fee by 10% for the New Year’s Day Sair Heid competition*.  

*provided I’m chauffeur driven to the course and given a massage in between the first and second nines. I will be available for autographs and selfies however these will be charged at the normal rate.