And finally....

Doubles Gross Finalists 

Dempster, Douglas, McGilvary, Irvine, Russon, Pittendreigh, Adamson

In appropriately cold conditions, the winter league drew to a close this weekend and the winners were...

Singles – M Ritchie

Doubles Nett – N MacArthur / D Henderson

Doubles Gross – B McGilvary / S Dempster *(steward’s enquiry)

M Ritchie produced a scintillating final round (44 pts) to pip S McGhie to the post in the Singles and despite a spirited performance by Barnett/Simpson in the Doubles Nett, they were trumped by a spectacular final round from MacArthur/Henderson (a nett 52 if you please!)

As regards the doubles gross competition, it’s my solemn duty to report that McGilvary/Dempster have been reported to the committee and look odds on to be stripped of their title. An upstanding citizen of Stonehaven Golf Club (ie. me) felt it only right that an official complaint be lodged regards their conduct and the hearing will take place next week .  Here is a copy of the complaint, the case against them being as clear as the nose on your face -

Dear Sirs,

Today, Keith Douglas and I competed in the final of the winter league doubles competition and found ourselves finishing in second place behind Messrs McGilvary & Dempster. I would however like to bring a number of facts to your attention regards the behaviour of this year’s ‘winners’ and implore you to do the only rightful thing, award the trophy to the runners-up instead, ie. myself and Keith Douglas.

The conduct of McGilvary & Dempster has been beneath contempt since the beginning of the competition. I don’t like to tell tales but someone needed to make you aware of their reprehensible behaviour and I consider it your duty not only to disqualify them from the tournament but drum them out of the club altogether. We cannot allow the reputation of Stonehaven Golf Club to be tarnished any further by these individuals, action must be taken.

I present to you the following reasons for their disqualification and look forward to meeting you at the prize giving later in the year. While I think about it, for the purposes of trophy engraving, I take this opportunity to clarify the spelling of my surname, it’s ‘ R U S S O N’. 

1.       McGilvary & Dempster were scheduled to commence their final round immediately behind ourselves but instead snuck onto the first tee before us, thereby playing out of turn.

2.       On the penultimate qualifying weekend, the pair played on a dry, sunny Sunday while the rest of us played on a wet, freezing Saturday. It’s just not fair.

3.       Dempster had fifteen clubs in his bag in the final, the limit is fourteen. I accept that one of them was a chocolate Club biscuit but that’s not the point, rules is rules.

4.       McGilvary quite clearly had his shirt tail hanging out as he began his final round, bringing the reputation of Stonehaven Golf Club into disrepute.

5.       The winning scorecard should not be accepted. It was dog eared in one corner and the ‘I’ in McGilvary’s surname was not dotted.

6.       Both players failed to pass a drugs test. Granted there wasn’t a drugs test to pass but the fact remains, they didn’t pass a drugs test.

7.       Dempster wheeled his trolley over the corner of the 7^th green in round 2 of qualifying last November, bang out of order. It may not have been him but I’m pretty sure it was.

8.       McGilvary exceeded the speed limit when driving into the club car park on the morning of the final.

9.       Dempster didn’t flush the toilet in the Gents following his pre-match turd.

10.   Both players were unseemingly smug in the clubhouse after the final.

For these reasons I believe the McGilvary/Dempster partnership should be relieved of the title and this honour should instead be awarded to myself and Keith Douglas. If you’d rather Douglas didn’t share the accolade with me I would accept this as a reasonable compromise.

Yours sincerely

Alex Russon

The committee meeting isn’t scheduled until Thursday evening but I’m sure you’ll agree it’s a cut and dried case. I therefore claim victory in the Winter League Doubles 2016. I’d like to thank my family for their unswerving support despite the Keith Douglas libel case, my agent for negotiating a tidy appearance fee from Stonehaven Golf Club and everyone else who knows me. I look forward to defending my title next season but can promise you in no uncertain terms that I’ll have a different partner, Douglas is toast. All those interested in playing with me next year please contact my agent to discuss terms.