New Rule #3

12th hole to become a par 5

Continuing my series of initiatives to improve the constitution of Stonehaven Golf Club, I bring you new rule number 3. But first of all, let’s take a look at some statistics:-

Number of years since I started playing the 12^th: 33

Approx number of times I’ve played the 12^th:      1,471

Number of times I’ve parred the 12^th:                  3

My average score on the 12^th:                             5.46

Number of times I’ve broken down and

wept on the 12th::                                                24

Number of balls I’ve pulled into the trees on

the bleedin’ 12^th:                                                 89

Number of times I’ve dreamt of blowing

up the 12^th:                                                          238

The 12^th is a pig of a hole, no question, and I hereby demand that it’s changed to a par 5 without any lengthening whatsoever, in fact I’m advocating that it’s reduced in length by forty yards. In a recent survey carried out by MORI, there was a 100% backing for this proposal (admittedly only involving me and my brother Stu who I voted for by proxy) and you can’t argue with bald facts like that.

In almost fifteen hundred attempts I’ve hit the green in regulation twice, both times three putting for bogey through pure shock. My three pars, which felt like birdies, were the result of two chip-ins and a conceded twenty footer when a matchplay opponent had already racked up an eight. It’s the only hole on the course I’ve never birdied and I’m fed up trying. Turn it into a par 5 pronto and get the course’s standard scratch upped to 67.

New Rule #2.

To continue my blueprint for Stonehaven Golf Club 2016 I would now like to introduce new rule number 2, this one deals with the humps on the first hole.

There are few more pitiful sights in golf than someone failing to reach the humps on the 1^st at Stonehaven. Situated barely one hundred yards in front of the tee, the humps decorate rather than protect the fairway and there’s simply no excuse  for your ball to do anything other than sail over them.

As a youngster taking your first steps in the game it’s forgivable, as a grown man however it is nothing but a public disgrace. I am therefore advocating that players who fail to strike their opening drives beyond the humps must play their second shots with their trousers placed around their ankles. Such a policy will encourage members to improve their driving and as a consequence the club will develop quality golfers rather than the shameful duffers we tolerate today.

A portable vanity shield will be kept between the practice green and the cemetery should any member have ‘gone commando’ and require a facility to change into Y-fronts for the purpose of playing their second shot. A selection of under garments will be available should Y-fronts not be your style, eg. jock straps, G-strings and edible knickers in three different flavours. On no account may members bare their backsides on the first hole fairway, or worse, reveal their furniture in full view of the clubhouse.  We boast a vibrant Ladies section here at Stonehaven and have no desire to reverse this happy position. We cannot risk mass resignations because some old boy forgets to put his long johns on of a morning, duffs his drive beneath the clubhouse window and plays his second shot revealing his glory to the world.

Further penalties will be introduced should members repeat the hump offence. If a player on two consecutive occasions fails to reach the humps from the first tee, he must complete the hole in nothing but a leopardskin thong and should the offence be repeated a third time, the entire eighteen holes must be completed in a luminous green mankini*.

*This rule will be introduced at the commencement of British Summer time, we don’t want to make national headlines because a member perishes on the 5^th green in January with hyperthermia. 

SGC Blueprint 2016

Ahead of Stonehaven Golf Club’s AGM in a few weeks time,  I’m proposing a range of initiatives to benefit the club’s constitution (enormously). Over forthcoming days I shall be unveiling a ten point plan which, provided the committee has the foresight to implement it, will revolutionise golf in Stonehaven and generate new membership levels not seen since Tom Watson was rumoured to have bought the house behind the tenth.

To older members these proposals may appear too bold, over ambitious, however we mustn’t fall foul of retrograde intransigence. Progress requires bravery and I urge the committee to embrace change, put their best foot forward and grasp the future with both hands. Homer Simpson once said " You don’t win friends with salad", neither do you win new members with old ideas.  I respectfully ask the Stonehaven GC membership to join with me in appealing to the custodians of our club to approve these forward thinking amendments. 

1. Mulligans

The mulligan is a unique scoring mechanism which, while popular in bounce game circles, has never made it into the official R&A rulebook. Referred to by some as ‘cheating’, it enables a player to reload, without penalty, having slashed a ball out of bounds. It presents a welcome opportunity for despondent golfers to erase the latest blunder from both memory and scorecard before proceeding as if it never happened, the two stroke penalty expunged from the record. In a radical departure from our somewhat archaic scoring system, the proposed Stoney mulligan will afford players the chance of atonement, the opportunity to dust themselves down and start again. The system will be introduced as of the start of the 2016/17 season and apply solely to the 11th hole * before later being moved to the 2nd hole **.

*until I quit the duck hooking

**when I get the yips and start topping it off the tee again

Where it all began in 1982...

...and I knew it was meant to be because 29th August is my birthday and 1982 was Villa's finest hour when we won the European Cup thrashing Bayern Munich 1-0 via Peter Withe's shin.

Duo's days are numbered

2015 enters its final week and rumours abound that the winter league partnership of Russon and Douglas will not make it into 2016. The relationship has been a tempestuous one from the outset but recent developments suggest the final nail has been hammered into the coffin. Alex Russon, the primary member of the partnership in terms of golfing ability, takes up the story…

“ Douglas has been a difficult partner from the start. A player of my calibre needs someone he can trust, a person of integrity, a partner to be relied upon for support and motivation. From the very beginning though the bloke has acted like a right cretin, complaining that I don’t replace flagsticks, grumbling that I don’t complete the scorecard, running me over with his remote controlled golf trolley and breaking wind in my backswing. I’ve had a quiet word with him but his behaviour shows no sign of improvement. I was close to throwing in the towel when he abandoned our fixture a few weeks ago in order to attend the Klitchko v Fury fight in Dusseldorf and take a tour of the Becks Bier factory. What kind of commitment is that when your co-player dedicates his time to alcohol and international sport rather than play eighteen holes on a freezing morning in Stoney? In the rain”.

We asked Russon what had happened in recent days to push the partnership to breaking point. ..

“ To tell the truth, Douglas had been pleading throughout the Autumn for someone to partner him in the winter league. One member after another declined his advances, they were too polite to tell him to his face but I’d heard through the grapevine that his halitosis had turned most of them away.

Rumour had it that he could fall a horse from twenty paces with his veritable bison breath, but I like to do my bit for the community so agreed to partner him in the winter league regardless. I took pity on him yet have been rewarded by petulance, poor golf and a succession of petty incidents until this week came the final straw”.

Russon goes on…

“ Keith had promised some blokes he worked with that he’d take them for a Christmas jolly to the bowling alley at Codonas in Aberdeen. He dropped this into conversation during our last round and I waited patiently for an invite too, it was not forthcoming. Nevertheless,  rather than take the huff  I graciously offered to drive his entourage from Stonehaven to Aberdeen since my family motor accommodates seven. This would save him money on taxi fares . He accepted my kind offer and the time was set for me to collect them from Troupers at 12.30 that coming Wednesday. My PA duly shuffled my diary, rearranging appointments with customers and colleagues alike ( I have a very demanding senior executive position within the bank and my time is sacred). Out of the kindness of my heart I allowed two hours from my tight schedule to ferry Keith and his herberts into town. Rudely interrupting an over running meeting to leave Aberdeen at midday, you can imagine my disgust when  half an hour later I arrived at Troupers in Stonehaven to learn that they’d all piled into taxis and skidaddled. Pleased though I was to see my mother’s cousin George Soutar after a twenty odd year gap, I have to confess to being somewhat miffed to find myself sharing a drink with him in Troupers rather than giving Keith and his merry men a lift into town. So I telephoned Keith to voice my displeasure, the following is an account of the conversation”.

“ Keith? It’s Alex. Where are you”.

“ In a taxi, just passing Portlethen”.

“ But I said I’d take you all in”.

“ Aye but you didnae turn up so I got taxis”.

“ Didn’t turn up? I’m stood outside Troupers now”.

“  I said 12.15”

“ No you didn’t, we agreed 12,30”.

“ Aye but I texted this morn tae change it”.

“ I didn’t get a text”.

“ How nae? I sent it at 10”.

We then established that he’d sent it to the wrong number.

 “ Regardless of that,  I told you I’d be here and I am here”

“ Aye well, I’m nae”

“ Yes I’ve established that you tosser”

“ Up yours Russon”

“ Up yours yourself Douglas”

“ ~*#k off”

“ No you ~*#k off”

“ Come here and say that”

“ Tell the driver to stop and I ~*#king will”.

“ Hemmin, you and fa’s army?”

" Don't need an army, you're as hard as my first s~*#e and that was a skitter".

….and so it continued, the conversation degenerating into personal insult and without resolution. There I stood in my three piece suit, car engine running, waiting to take a collection of downbeats into town only to be stood up, let down and abused for my trouble. There you have my winter league partner ladies and gentlemen, as trustworthy as a chocolate fireguard and as useful as one. I’m not one for violence but in Douglas’s case it’s crystal clear that the only language he understands is a good hiding. I know a couple of lads at a boozer I used to frequent in Walsall, I’ll get them on the case. But don’t report that bit” said Russon.

We understand the duo’s respective management teams have organised peace talks with a view to the team fulfilling their winter league fixtures. The likelihood of a happy outcome is slim, not least because Douglas can’t be trusted to arrive at the meeting on time, if at all, the unreliable waster. Time will tell but as we stand today, the Stonehaven Golf Club Winter League trophy may be spared a terminal rusting by Keith Douglas’s breath. Every cloud has a silver lining so they say.

Round 5 - Gale Force 18

Imagine standing on an aeroplane’s wings as it flies at thirty thousand feet. Now imagine yourself standing on said aeroplane, this time with a golf club in your hand, and being asked to strike a golf ball into the 200mph headwind. There you have an accurate description of today’s playing conditions in round five of our winter league journey. 

A six club wind buffeted us from pillar to post, balls oscillating on the greens, tree branches flying through the air, flagsticks broken in two, the netting around the 2^nd tee uprooted and blown onto the train tracks, the greenkeeper's shed last seen flying over Muchalls in a wind strong enough to blow your hair off never mind your hat. Mercifully there was no rain but the wind itself deemed the course virtually unplayable. Those that completed their rounds have been invited to Buckingham Palace to receive honorary knighthoods for bravery and services to golf.

Yet despite the veritable hurricane, the Russon/Douglas combo notched a very creditable 67 and for once I’m prepared to concede that Douglas was the main man, standing up to the howling winds with a heroic back nine culminating in a miracle birdie on 18. It all started so differently though as the photo above illustrates. Yes that’s former Stonehaven club champion, Keith Douglas, suffering the ignominy of playing his second shot from the humps on the 1^st having delivered a worm burning drive that had no right to call itself a golf shot. Just as crap footballers shouldn’t wear pink boots, golf club duffers ought not play in bright orange Rickie Fowler breeks. A retrospective stripping of Keith’s championship title seems rightful although on reflection he did redeem himself in spectacular style, knocking his second shot to twenty feet and draining the birdie putt. 

A succession of pars followed, as did random chases across fairways in pursuit of tumbling golf caps, headcovers and towels. It was like a scene from the closing credits of the Benny Hill Show and I lost count of how often my backswing was serenaded by the sound of my carry bag crashing to the floor.

For those who know the course, check out some of these club selections from the back nine. 14^th – rescue, 15^th – rescue, and on the last hole Keith nailed a full-on driver to be pin high for his birdie. That’s a driver on a 172 yard par 3. Conditions were brutal, we felt like we’d gone three rounds with Mike Tyson by the time we reached the sanctuary of the clubhouse whereupon we were greeted by the sight of a dozen elder members in their John Daly slacks and Christmas jumpers, embarking on their annual festive shindig. If their all dayer in town was anywhere near as wild as our eighteen holes I expect to be reading about them in the Sunday papers.

PS. Thanks to Darren for his pleasurable company today. He’s a taxi driver by trade, I'll keep his number handy for when Villa's latest manager gets the bullet and needs a lift to the airport.

Round 4 - Stick the flag right up yer ar$e

After the fireworks of round 3 it was back to meat and potatoes golf for the first half of round 4, we couldn’t get anything going. Conditions were ideal, dry, not a breath of wind, only the zero temperatures spoiled it. Keith’s brother, Jack, played too, he was limbering up for a game at The Old Course the following day. He trudged the first seventeen holes with us before bailing out, the 18^th at Stoney claiming another victim unprepared to clamber from the green back up to the locker room.

Jack casually birdied the 1st to take the honour only to dump two balls out on the 2nd, I'd soon dragged him down to my level.  His presence was important, not for his sparkling repartee although  that's always a bonus, but because the pair of us needed a referee following the argy bargy the previous week, Keith complaining (amongst other things) about my unwillingness to replace flagsticks before vacating greens. He’s so small time that he took the attached photo for posterity, claiming this was the first flagstick I’d replaced in 28 holes of golf. He’s so petty.

 

Which brings me to a letter I received following my report on round 3 last week, a letter which accused me of shameful bias regards my own performance while deriding my partner’s efforts. I won’t embarrass the author by revealing his identity so let’s just refer to him by surname, Douglas. No, on second thoughts, we’ll just call him by his Christian name, Keith. The letter was vitriolic, accusing me of undermining the valiant efforts my partner had made the previous week, at least I think that was the gist, I could barely decipher the childlike handwriting, poor grammar and diabolical spelling. Anyhow, I brought this letter up with Keith at one point during the round…

“ We really ought to rediscover the harmony in this partnership Keith” I suggested. “ After all, there’s no ‘I’ in team”.

“ Aye, but there is in prick” he responded. He’s got no class that one. 

Despite our differences we soldiered on, exchanging pars until bogeys on 6 and 9 blotted the copybook. It was the 11^th before our first birdie (Keith) but we handed that advantage straight back with a bogey on 12. I’d lost patience with him fluffing his lines by the time we reached the gully so decided to take control of the situation. I birdied 14, drained a lengthy par putt on 15 and slammed in a birdie on 17. No messing. Someone needed to take the bull by the horns and thankfully my birdie blitz shamed Keith into upping his game, he birdied 16 and despite his best efforts, avoided a three putt on the last to notch a closing par. We ended with a 65, not earth shattering but respectable, a decent day’s work in contrast to my football team (Aston Villa) who were playing Arsenal at precisely the same time. We ‘shared’ two goals with them but weren’t at all greedy with our share, let’s put it that way. We were overly generous in fact. 15 games, 6 points, we’re goin’ down. As for the golf, I’m taking my A game next weekend and no mistake, watch out for an eye bleeding score.

PS. I mustn't go without mention of  Jack's headgear. It’s a shame I didn’t take my camera. He wore a bright red skin-tight head sock, an apparent cross between a bandana and a prophylactic. Standing on the 14^th tee he looked like Charlie Chan, the head sock stretching his eyelids skywards, all he needed was the fake moustache. Calling the fashion police....