Stoney open comps list 2016

The attached link gives details of this year's open competitions.

http://www.stonehavengolfclub.com/page.aspx?pid=29561

Entry in one sense is futile given I'll be hoovering up all of the silverware this year but if you're comfortable setting your sights no higher than second then knock yourself out.

(It may appear vulgar but I'd consider bribes if you want me to throw in a bad score and give you a chance, everyone has their price).

(Anyone assisting me in dressing in drag for the Ladies event will be rewarded with 10% of the prize money).

New Rule #8

Stroke Index Revision

One of SGC’s many attributes is the sensible manner in which the stroke indexes are calculated. Rather than automatically awarding high numbers to par 3’s, the club sensibly attributes stroke indexes according to difficulty and this is to be commended. This applies however only to the first twelve holes because after that all common sense seemingly flies out of the window and four of the final six holes have basket case indexes. Whoever selected the numbers for holes 13, 14, 15 and 17 needs a good talking to since they’re so far off the mark as to be on another planet. In this my eighth of ten new initiatives for Stonehaven Golf Club, I’m proposing a root and branch change of the stroke indexes.

The 13^th for example carries an index of 7 currently. 7! I’ve known players put on suicide watch after scoring more than a par on the 13th, it ought to be stroke index 19 never mind 7. This is followed by an equally inexcusable decision on the very next hole where a tricky, blind par three is deemed the 6^th easiest hole on the course when in truth players dance all the way to the next tee if they par it. But the piece de resistance, the glaring floater on the surface of a flushed lavotary, is the kamikaze farrago which sees the 15^th considered the third hardest hole on. This is insanity. Dame Edna Everidge in full ball gown and heels could par the 15^th, left handed. It’s so straightforward that my father has notched a hole-in-one on it and that was when he played off twenty one. Granted, a facing wind has you going up a club or two but nine times out of ten it’s a flick and a couple of putts.

And finally we come to the 17^th, the peskiest hole on the course. The closest I’ve come to tears outside of childbirth (attending not delivering). It’s been my scorecard shredder more times than I care to remember, the green as welcoming as my mother-in-law with its’ sloped approach sending your ball down the hill towards the 3^rd tee and enticing a couple of fluffed chips before you stomp off with a seven. The stroke index of 5 is pure comedy and must be amended forthwith. I therefore announce that 2016 will usher in a full review of the club’s stroke indexes with members being balloted before a final decision is reached. The ballot will be consigned to new members who are aged 46, have five children and a big hooter. In fact scrub that, the ballot’s already been held and here are the results, I give you the new stroke indexes for Stonehaven Golf Club (former ones in brackets) -

1^st 14      (12)                        10^th 9     (9)

2nd 2     (4)                          11^th 17   (17)

3^rd 12     (14)                        12^th 1b   (1)

4^th 3        (8)                          13^th 19   (7)

5^th 7        (2)                          14^th 6     (13)

6^th 11     (16)                        15^th 10   (3)

7^th 8        (10)                        16^th 15   (15)

8^th 18     (18)                        17^th 1a   (5)

9^th 4        (6)                          18^th 5     (11)

New Rule #7 (sabotaged)

Twinning Arrangement

Stonehaven Golf Club’s announcement today that it is ‘twinning’ with Letham Grange GC has left me with mixed emotions. While I look forward to enjoying Letham at the earliest opportunity, I must confess to bittersweet feelings regarding the arrangement.

Unbeknown to the SGC committee, I’d been involved in hush hush negotiations with another golf club regarding a similar agreement but today’s somewhat premature announcement puts the kybosh on that. A confidentiality clause prevents me from naming the club in question but I am at liberty to reveal it was an inner city Birmingham location and negotiations had reached an advanced stage. Only a few loose ends remained and I’d secured confirmation that these would be tied up by month end. While congratulating Letham Grange on the deal they’ve struck, I can’t help but wonder what might have been had the last few issues been resolved by their Birmingham counterparts, namely :-

1.Removal of the last eight dozen empty beer cans from the back nine.

2.Return to Asda of all shopping trolleys floating in the canal adjacent to the 7^th fairway.

3.Eviction of the four winos who’d set up camp in the deep bushes by the 4^th.

4.Repair of quad bike tracks left on the 12^th green following last week’s police chase from the local jewellers.

5.Dismissal of the club secretary for supporting Birmingham City.

6.Installation of thirty foot security fence along the length of the 3^rd hole to protect players from being stoned by homeward bound school kids.

7.Citizen’s arrest of the golf ball thieves brazenly marching from the bushes to lift balls from the 4^th green (see no3 above).

8.Appointment of car park security guard to ensure players no longer return to their vehicles to find them on bricks.

As I say, only a handful of minor creases to be ironed out. Perhaps you’ll agree with me  that the committee rather jumped the gun when approving the Letham Grange initiative. Nevertheless, I applaud them for nominating a club that doesn’t count Jasper Carrot amongst its membership and as a result I hereby grant the arrangement my blessing.

New Rule #6

Plaque Of Honour

Stonehaven Golf Club prides itself on upholding the good game of golf’s honourable traditions. Quite apart from obeying the edicts of the Royal & Ancient Rulebook, our members diligently protect the unwritten laws of etiquette that are synonymous with the sport. Fair play, honour, sportsmanship are all elements that Stonehaven members have in abundance...all that is except for one particular member, Keith Douglas, a man who'll cough in your backswing, walk on your line, pinch the unearned honour and break wind while you hover over a four footer. Quite simply the man has no class whatsoever and when you throw in various other dirty tactics (dropping flagsticks to the ground as you putt, rattling his clubs back into his bag when you tee off or hacking up a greener from the depths of his boots before flobbing it onto the floor right beside your ball) you have the perfect example of a golfer lacking in every single facet of fair play.

However, I'm here to tell you that even the worst of sinners can be saved, even Keith Douglas, and I'm happy to relate an incident which occurred a short while ago that might act as a beacon to junior members of the club, illustrating that it’s never too late for any golfer to change their ways and learn to behave appropriately on a golf course.  

We were playing a bounce game after work, 50p was at stake, and I was six up after six holes before knocking my teeshot on the 7^th to six inches while Douglas ferreted around his bag looking for a fresh ball. He'd put two balls out already, despite perfect conditions. A few minutes later, as he retrieved his ball from the hole following a quintuple bogey eight, he grudgingly mumbled “ ye can huv ‘at een” as I addressed my six inch birdie tap-in. This represented the first putt he’d conceded since playing crazy golf with his Dad at Codona’s in the 1970s and proves to the world that no matter how ungracious a golfer might be over a sustained period of years, and we're talking decades, redemption remains a possibility. 

As testament to this event,  a plaque will be erected (at Keith’s expense) adjacent to the 7th green, which members are asked to refer guests to when playing the hole. It will offer them the opportunity to explain that however reprehensible a player's historic on course behaviour, there is always the possibility of atonement.*

* Members are asked not to mention Douglas's subsequent behaviour following his benevolent concession which saw him stomp off the course having lost the match at the 10th, daub offensive graffiti on Russon's locker and let down his tyres before exiting the car park).

New rule #5

     

       Championship Rules 2016

To mark the thirtieth anniversary since Alex Russon’s triumphant victory in the 1986 Stonehaven Junior Championship, I propose the following changes to the 2016 club championship entry criteria.

a)  Entrants must be born somewhere between 28^th August 1969 and 30^th August 1969, not inclusive (ie. they must have been born only on the day in the middle).

b)  Participants must have been born in the West Midlands.

c)  And support Aston Villa

While this may narrow the field down a little it throws the tournament wide open to players who don’t carry the surname ‘Irvine’. It’s about time the engraver was offered some variety rather than expecting him to inscribe the same set of letters year after year. It would also represent a well deserved gesture to one of the giants of Stonehaven Golf Club’s history, a humble gentleman who selflessly followed his junior championship victory as a 16 year old with a return to his Birmingham roots, purely to give others a chance. There’s little doubt that had this individual remained at the club he would have become a multiple winner of the club’s flagship tournament (in the event however he went to Birmingham Polytechnic, started drinking and didn’t pick up a golf club for another nineteen years, but that’s another story).

Further amendments to the club championship rules will be…

1) Tournament reduced from 72 holes to 3 holes (Bruce’s Corner ie. 1^st, 2^nd, 18^th)

2) Honorary lifetime membership awarded to the winner.

3) And complimentary stovies after every round.

New Rule #4

Fill in the gully

My great Uncle Eric (Soutar) was a member of Stonehaven GC for several years, during this time he was only once spotted playing the gully outside of a competitive round. He had zero appetite for the yomp down the path from the 13th tee and back again having teed off at the 15th. It used to miff me mightily when I'd be on a good score after twelve holes only to end up playing the field twice because Eric wouldn't play the gully. Now that I’m no longer a whipper snapper but instead a forty something with a bad back, I’m beginning to understand his stubborn reticence all those years ago. If records were produced regarding the least played holes on the course, the gully would come top by a mile. How many of us walk from the field or the 8th directly to the 16th tee instead of getting out the tie ropes and crampons? 

I therefore propose that the gully is flattened. We should appoint the council to fill in the gully with ten thousand tonnes of landfill and turf it over to create a perfectly flat walk across 13, 14 and 15. This initiative would be funded by the council since they'd be parking their waste on our property and we'd save them money since their hospitals wouldn't need to deal with sporadic heart attacks induced by wheezing pensioners hauling their trolleys up the 13th. In addition, the club will benefit from the extra years of subscription receipts members would contribute given the gully redesign would extend their lives by a couple of years minimum. I ain't stupid, I've costed this thing out and it makes absolute sense.

As a secondary proposal, were the committee so short sighted as to reject the gully landfill idea, I suggest we agree terms with a local taxi company to provide lifts across the gully at reduced fares. A two quid return fare doesn't appear excessive and to sweeten the tender process, taxi companies can provide lifts directly from the 15th green to the clubhouse for anyone inept enough to score more than +3 during the gully holes, and charge a fiver for the privilege. 10% of this fare will be donated to the club to cover wear and tear of the path alongside the railway line and 10% towards the Alex Russon Trust Fund in respect of royalty payments since I had the gumption to come up with the idea to start with.

New Rule #3

12th hole to become a par 5

Continuing my series of initiatives to improve the constitution of Stonehaven Golf Club, I bring you new rule number 3. But first of all, let’s take a look at some statistics:-

Number of years since I started playing the 12^th: 33

Approx number of times I’ve played the 12^th:      1,471

Number of times I’ve parred the 12^th:                  3

My average score on the 12^th:                             5.46

Number of times I’ve broken down and

wept on the 12th::                                                24

Number of balls I’ve pulled into the trees on

the bleedin’ 12^th:                                                 89

Number of times I’ve dreamt of blowing

up the 12^th:                                                          238

The 12^th is a pig of a hole, no question, and I hereby demand that it’s changed to a par 5 without any lengthening whatsoever, in fact I’m advocating that it’s reduced in length by forty yards. In a recent survey carried out by MORI, there was a 100% backing for this proposal (admittedly only involving me and my brother Stu who I voted for by proxy) and you can’t argue with bald facts like that.

In almost fifteen hundred attempts I’ve hit the green in regulation twice, both times three putting for bogey through pure shock. My three pars, which felt like birdies, were the result of two chip-ins and a conceded twenty footer when a matchplay opponent had already racked up an eight. It’s the only hole on the course I’ve never birdied and I’m fed up trying. Turn it into a par 5 pronto and get the course’s standard scratch upped to 67.