Official Apology

In the absence of a golf report (course closed due to snow), I thought I’d share with you the following letter which I received from a solicitor this week. It reads as follows –

Dear Mr Russon

It has been brought to our attention by our client, K Douglas of Stonehaven, that you have been publishing libellous material against him. Upon examination of your blog Stoney Baloney, we are in full agreement with our client and hereby demand action is taken before legal proceedings are sought. We have been instructed to act in the strongest possible terms and, if you’ll pardon the vulgarity, been requested, in our client’s words, to “ take you to the fu#*ing cleaners”. We therefore insist that you both publish a full retraction of your slanderous comments and issue a comprehensive apology. If action is not taken within 7 days, we have been instructed by our client to sue you for every penny you’ve got and pursue you to the ends of the earth in this regard.

We await your response.

Yours sincerely

B. Hind Barrs Solicitors

As you can imagine, it was quite a shock to receive such a letter and not a little unsettling. My children have subsequently had nightmares believing I’m going to prison and my wife has threatened to leave me. However, if my winter league partner is without sufficient honour to deal with this man to man I have no choice but to fall on my sword and carry out the instructions given by his solicitor. Moreover, if I’m to retain any hope of seizing the winter league trophy I’ll need to fulfil the remaining fixtures alongside Douglas so I’d best keep him sweet. I therefore issue the following response ‘in all sincerity’ and confirm that the accusations I made against him were indeed ‘a figment of my imagination’.

Dear Keith

I write to confirm that you did not thieve money from my golf bag while I was putting out on the 7^th green (even though you were the only person present within 500 yards). I also now accept that the suggestion that I carry you around the course while you contribute nothing towards our team effort  is inaccurate (please return the bill sent to you by my back physio). In addition I confirm you do not have poor etiquette, shocking dress sense, halitosis, bad flatulence or a potty mouth. You did not stand me up when I kindly arrived to collect you for a lift into Aberdeen before Christmas, you don’t belch in my backswing and at no time have you let my tyres down in the club car park.

I hope this ‘heartfelt’ apology is satisfactory to you and that you will continue to form a partnership with me for the remainder of the winter league. You are indeed a fine upstanding pillar of the community, a man of integrity and it is my great fortune that you stooped low enough to accept me as your partner (even if everybody else had turned you down flat). I’m sorry for any distress I may have caused you, rest assured there will be no repeat of the inaccurate criticism I have levelled your way.

I look forward with relish to our reunion next Saturday on the 1^st tee, please don’t be distracted by the welcoming committee of black suited bouncers from the boozer I used to drink in when residing in inner city Birmingham. Furthermore, do not be disturbed by their surly manner or the vast array of instruments of torture which they’re likely to exhibit. Your safety is, I guarantee, assured.

In closing, I also apologise for the discovery of a horse’s head in your scratcher this morning, I accidentally misplaced it when driving home from work.

I hope this puts an end to the matter.

Yours without contempt and in friendship alone

Alex Russon 

Let's get physical

I’d never been to a physio before today, hells bells it’s all a bit previous isn’t it? I ambled in complaining of back pain and she had me down to my underpants within ten minutes. You mustn’t blame the woman, I can’t help being irresistible, but we could have exchanged pleasantries for a little longer first. Soon she had me bending forward, bending back, stretching here and there before lying me on the bed to work on my stiffness.

The sharpest pain was in my buttocks (there’s a joke there somewhere but I’m too tired to work it out) so she turned me over and worked on my right arse cheek. There’s something disconcerting about having a woman touch your arse when you’ve barely said hello but she was grinding her elbow into it to locate the pain’s epicentre. She kept grinding away, freeing up internal fibres matted in my bottom she said, “ that’s what I do every morning changing Ernie’s nappy” I snorted, she didn’t laugh. Next, as I remained face down, she pushed her palms hard up and down my back, searching again for the source of pain. “Any pain yet” she enquired. “No” I lied. There was pain alright but it was in my testicles as she pushed so hard on my coccyx that my rollocks were getting flattened against the bed beneath, but I wasn’t going to tell her, I was too embarrassed, so the pain went on.

Eventually I returned to my feet, middle age spread tumbling over my elasticated underpants, my meat and two veg trussed up like coconuts in a hammock. Damn, why didn’t I wear something more flattering? I stretched some more until, mercifully, she allowed me to put my feeble body back into a pair of breeks and a t-shirt. “ Same time next week?” she said. “ Fine” I grunted. I’ve now got seven days to find myself a decent pair of Y-fronts. Meantime, on to the gratuitous Olivia Newton-John video.

Gay Abandon

A return to golf after a sustained break can go one of two ways, you either play like a demon or stink the course up. I usually play quite well after a rest from the game, my head free of the paralysis of analysis that otherwise blights my golf, I just stand up to the ball and hit it. Mind clutter is the bane of any golfer’s life, so many thoughts crowd your head during the backswing that you’re a shivering wreck by the time your club reaches the ball. A break from the game frees your mind of these fears, gives you a blank slate devoid of the energy sapping thoughts of swing mechanics. Well for the front nine at least.

The torment of golfing paralysis is indeed horrible, equally tragic however is the first tee terror that takes over when playing before a sizeable audience after a lengthy lay-off. He won’t thank me for broadcasting this but my brother Stuart experienced a meltdown regards this affliction at a plush corporate golf day in Nottinghamshire some years ago. Our fourball teed off in full view of dozens of folk milling around the front of the clubhouse. His face set in stone, eyes on stalks and stricken with apprehension he began his backswing and in a grotesque movement lasting barely a millisecond, completed less than a quarter backswing before lurching at the ball in a state of utter panic. His shoulders stiffened, his knees dipped and he delivered the fresh air shot to end all fresh air shots, his clubhead swishing the air a clear six inches above the ball. Playing partners coughed, Stuart gulped, tumbleweed blew across the tee.  It was a horror show, X-rated. Give me paralysis of analysis over first tee fresh air shots anytime.

But enough of Stu’s personal hell, let’s move on to today’s game, round 6 of the winter league four weeks after our previous round, an opportunity to play with gay abandon (not Keith’s stage name).  A chance to play without fear but with freedom and panache.  It was with a degree of excitement that I looked forward to a knock. I cleaned my clubs, polished my shoes, even washed my ball pocket. I had the demeanour of a child awaking on Christmas Day, full of expectation. Imagine my disappointment then when at the eleventh hour, literally, my winter league partner cried off citing fatigue due to a bout of late night poker in Dundee. As excuses go, ‘lame’ doesn’t even cover it. I suppose I should be grateful for the twelve hour notice of his impending absence but given I was notified by text in the dead of night, I was asleep for eight of those hours. I shouldn’t be surprised, he has form regarding this kind of behaviour, only last month standing me up when I’d had the good grace to turn up to give him a pre-arranged lift to Aberdeen. 

Once again Douglas’s behaviour proves itself to be beyond the pale, it leaves me questioning the wisdom of partnering this oaf in the winter league pairs. It comes to a pretty pass when the man you’ve been carrying through the winter league competition then has the brass neck to cry off when you’ve virtually pulled into the car park. Perhaps with his poker winnings he can buy himself a mirror and take a long hard look into it, meantime I’ll diligently practice to compensate for his on-course shortcomings.We now have five weeks to play our five remaining qualifying rounds, here's hoping Douglas turns up next week though I'm not holding my breath, word has it he's off to purchase a chocolate fireguard upon which to model himself.

Doomed

I spent Saturday evening watching Villa’s winning streak of one solitary game come to an end as we drew with Leicester. The last time we won two games in succession Tommy Docherty was still in management. This has been our anus horribilis, twelve points from twenty two games equals definite relegation. Hells bells, we could be playing Walsall in a league match next season, that it should come to this.

It didn’t used to be this way. We won the league in ’81, the European Cup in ’82 and had plenty else going for us; great tradition, iconic ground, big support, even our kit was bostin. Then it went pear shaped. We appointed Billy McNeill as manager in ’85 who rewarded us with immediate relegation and we’ve never truly recovered apart from fleeting League Cup success in ’94 and ’96 and some half decent seasons under Martin O’Neill. We had some good times with Graham Taylor I suppose, he brought us straight back up after McNeill relegated us until England decided he was their man (though it turned out he wasn’t). 

A few seasons under Big Fat Ron were entertaining. He brought bojangles, whitened teeth, an orange permatan and wore a brillo pad upon his head. He also brought entertaining football with lots of goals including a Goal Of The Season winner in Dalian Atkinson’s mazy run and shot in the rain at Wimbledon, made famous by the Villa fan who came on the pitch with his umbrella to protect the scorer as he celebrated.

But that was then, this is now. We’re going down and deservedly so. It’s been coming for years to be frank, we’ve stayed up by the skin of our teeth a few times but finally chickens have come home to roost. You can’t replace average players with poorer ones and expect to get away with it. Our forward line is toothless, midfield powder puff, defence absent without leave and our keeper couldn’t catch a cold.  We’re gone and no mistake, people like me can only gaze at photos like this and remember the good old days…

10th & final rule change with full list attached

Remember It’s A Knockout, that wacky game show in the 70s/80s? The less said about its’ presenter the better but the concept of the show was a good one. The best bit was when a team played their joker to win double points and I’ve decided SGC will adopt this idea in 2016 Stableford competitions.

From the beginning of the summer season each player will nominate a hole on the front and back nines upon which they’ll play their joker. Double points will be awarded on these holes, for example a par will earn four points and not two. But you need to get wise with it, there’s no point nominating the 9^th if that’s the hole upon which you regularly falter, double zilch is still zilch. Better to choose a hole upon which you score well if that’s not stating the bleeding obvious.  Players cannot nominate the holes retrospectively and must make clear, before their round commences, which holes will benefit from double bubble.

And in a cheeky twist to encourage a level playing field, those with handicaps below six will have a reverse joker whereby the number of strokes they play on the holes they nominate are doubled not their points tally. For instance, if they show off with a 3 on the first this is doubled to 6 which equals a blob. Indeed they’d need to eagle the first to score any points at all. This may appear a touch harsh but will bring the swaggerers down to size and how beautiful will it be when their birdies count for naught on the very same hole a high handicapped player’s birdie earns them six points! Sweet.

And it is with this tenth and final initiative that I conclude my proposed amendments to the SGC constitution. Happy golfing to everyone, letters of appreciation for my inspirational blueprint can be addressed to the club secretary and nominations for my knighthood sent to the queen.

Summary of the 10 new introductions to the Stoney constitution 2016 -

1.Mulligans

2.Not clearing the humps

3.12^th becomes a par 5

4.Fill in the gully.

5.New club championship rules

6.7^th green plaque of honour

7.Club twinning arrangement

8.Stroke Index revision

9.Disciplinary amendments

10.Joker holes

New Rule #9 Disciplinary Measures

Discipline

“ Spare the rod, spoil the child” the saying goes. While not advocating corporal punishment for the non-repair of divots, I feel standards of behaviour mustn’t be allowed to degenerate. I therefore propose a suite of measures that will ensure SGC safeguards its’ good reputation in North East golfing circles.

-Prohibition of ankle bangers. Senior members will no longer be permitted to wear their twenty year old breeks at half mast.

-6 month ban for the playing of Penfold Commandos or Dunlop 65s

-Golfers who take fresh air shots will be reported to the police

-Players scoring over 100 will be placed into stocks on the practice putting green and pelted with rotten fruit

-Anyone taking four putts on one hole to be suspended

-Following sayings are now banned from putting greens; you dropped your lipstick, dead sheep, does your husband play?

-Failure to clear the gully from the tee will require the culprit to reload wearing a bell encrusted jester’s hat

-Banning of tee pegs with mini pomp poms attached

-Two consecutive shanks will attract a lifetime ban

The introduction of these measures can only enhance the reputation of the club. We cannot expect respect when ill attired players are swishing air shots over the top of Penfold Commandos which they've perched on tees that are linked by string to bright yellow pom poms.

Stoney open comps list 2016

The attached link gives details of this year's open competitions.

http://www.stonehavengolfclub.com/page.aspx?pid=29561

Entry in one sense is futile given I'll be hoovering up all of the silverware this year but if you're comfortable setting your sights no higher than second then knock yourself out.

(It may appear vulgar but I'd consider bribes if you want me to throw in a bad score and give you a chance, everyone has their price).

(Anyone assisting me in dressing in drag for the Ladies event will be rewarded with 10% of the prize money).

New Rule #8

Stroke Index Revision

One of SGC’s many attributes is the sensible manner in which the stroke indexes are calculated. Rather than automatically awarding high numbers to par 3’s, the club sensibly attributes stroke indexes according to difficulty and this is to be commended. This applies however only to the first twelve holes because after that all common sense seemingly flies out of the window and four of the final six holes have basket case indexes. Whoever selected the numbers for holes 13, 14, 15 and 17 needs a good talking to since they’re so far off the mark as to be on another planet. In this my eighth of ten new initiatives for Stonehaven Golf Club, I’m proposing a root and branch change of the stroke indexes.

The 13^th for example carries an index of 7 currently. 7! I’ve known players put on suicide watch after scoring more than a par on the 13th, it ought to be stroke index 19 never mind 7. This is followed by an equally inexcusable decision on the very next hole where a tricky, blind par three is deemed the 6^th easiest hole on the course when in truth players dance all the way to the next tee if they par it. But the piece de resistance, the glaring floater on the surface of a flushed lavotary, is the kamikaze farrago which sees the 15^th considered the third hardest hole on. This is insanity. Dame Edna Everidge in full ball gown and heels could par the 15^th, left handed. It’s so straightforward that my father has notched a hole-in-one on it and that was when he played off twenty one. Granted, a facing wind has you going up a club or two but nine times out of ten it’s a flick and a couple of putts.

And finally we come to the 17^th, the peskiest hole on the course. The closest I’ve come to tears outside of childbirth (attending not delivering). It’s been my scorecard shredder more times than I care to remember, the green as welcoming as my mother-in-law with its’ sloped approach sending your ball down the hill towards the 3^rd tee and enticing a couple of fluffed chips before you stomp off with a seven. The stroke index of 5 is pure comedy and must be amended forthwith. I therefore announce that 2016 will usher in a full review of the club’s stroke indexes with members being balloted before a final decision is reached. The ballot will be consigned to new members who are aged 46, have five children and a big hooter. In fact scrub that, the ballot’s already been held and here are the results, I give you the new stroke indexes for Stonehaven Golf Club (former ones in brackets) -

1^st 14      (12)                        10^th 9     (9)

2nd 2     (4)                          11^th 17   (17)

3^rd 12     (14)                        12^th 1b   (1)

4^th 3        (8)                          13^th 19   (7)

5^th 7        (2)                          14^th 6     (13)

6^th 11     (16)                        15^th 10   (3)

7^th 8        (10)                        16^th 15   (15)

8^th 18     (18)                        17^th 1a   (5)

9^th 4        (6)                          18^th 5     (11)

New Rule #7 (sabotaged)

Twinning Arrangement

Stonehaven Golf Club’s announcement today that it is ‘twinning’ with Letham Grange GC has left me with mixed emotions. While I look forward to enjoying Letham at the earliest opportunity, I must confess to bittersweet feelings regarding the arrangement.

Unbeknown to the SGC committee, I’d been involved in hush hush negotiations with another golf club regarding a similar agreement but today’s somewhat premature announcement puts the kybosh on that. A confidentiality clause prevents me from naming the club in question but I am at liberty to reveal it was an inner city Birmingham location and negotiations had reached an advanced stage. Only a few loose ends remained and I’d secured confirmation that these would be tied up by month end. While congratulating Letham Grange on the deal they’ve struck, I can’t help but wonder what might have been had the last few issues been resolved by their Birmingham counterparts, namely :-

1.Removal of the last eight dozen empty beer cans from the back nine.

2.Return to Asda of all shopping trolleys floating in the canal adjacent to the 7^th fairway.

3.Eviction of the four winos who’d set up camp in the deep bushes by the 4^th.

4.Repair of quad bike tracks left on the 12^th green following last week’s police chase from the local jewellers.

5.Dismissal of the club secretary for supporting Birmingham City.

6.Installation of thirty foot security fence along the length of the 3^rd hole to protect players from being stoned by homeward bound school kids.

7.Citizen’s arrest of the golf ball thieves brazenly marching from the bushes to lift balls from the 4^th green (see no3 above).

8.Appointment of car park security guard to ensure players no longer return to their vehicles to find them on bricks.

As I say, only a handful of minor creases to be ironed out. Perhaps you’ll agree with me  that the committee rather jumped the gun when approving the Letham Grange initiative. Nevertheless, I applaud them for nominating a club that doesn’t count Jasper Carrot amongst its membership and as a result I hereby grant the arrangement my blessing.

New Rule #6

Plaque Of Honour

Stonehaven Golf Club prides itself on upholding the good game of golf’s honourable traditions. Quite apart from obeying the edicts of the Royal & Ancient Rulebook, our members diligently protect the unwritten laws of etiquette that are synonymous with the sport. Fair play, honour, sportsmanship are all elements that Stonehaven members have in abundance...all that is except for one particular member, Keith Douglas, a man who'll cough in your backswing, walk on your line, pinch the unearned honour and break wind while you hover over a four footer. Quite simply the man has no class whatsoever and when you throw in various other dirty tactics (dropping flagsticks to the ground as you putt, rattling his clubs back into his bag when you tee off or hacking up a greener from the depths of his boots before flobbing it onto the floor right beside your ball) you have the perfect example of a golfer lacking in every single facet of fair play.

However, I'm here to tell you that even the worst of sinners can be saved, even Keith Douglas, and I'm happy to relate an incident which occurred a short while ago that might act as a beacon to junior members of the club, illustrating that it’s never too late for any golfer to change their ways and learn to behave appropriately on a golf course.  

We were playing a bounce game after work, 50p was at stake, and I was six up after six holes before knocking my teeshot on the 7^th to six inches while Douglas ferreted around his bag looking for a fresh ball. He'd put two balls out already, despite perfect conditions. A few minutes later, as he retrieved his ball from the hole following a quintuple bogey eight, he grudgingly mumbled “ ye can huv ‘at een” as I addressed my six inch birdie tap-in. This represented the first putt he’d conceded since playing crazy golf with his Dad at Codona’s in the 1970s and proves to the world that no matter how ungracious a golfer might be over a sustained period of years, and we're talking decades, redemption remains a possibility. 

As testament to this event,  a plaque will be erected (at Keith’s expense) adjacent to the 7th green, which members are asked to refer guests to when playing the hole. It will offer them the opportunity to explain that however reprehensible a player's historic on course behaviour, there is always the possibility of atonement.*

* Members are asked not to mention Douglas's subsequent behaviour following his benevolent concession which saw him stomp off the course having lost the match at the 10th, daub offensive graffiti on Russon's locker and let down his tyres before exiting the car park).

New rule #5

     

       Championship Rules 2016

To mark the thirtieth anniversary since Alex Russon’s triumphant victory in the 1986 Stonehaven Junior Championship, I propose the following changes to the 2016 club championship entry criteria.

a)  Entrants must be born somewhere between 28^th August 1969 and 30^th August 1969, not inclusive (ie. they must have been born only on the day in the middle).

b)  Participants must have been born in the West Midlands.

c)  And support Aston Villa

While this may narrow the field down a little it throws the tournament wide open to players who don’t carry the surname ‘Irvine’. It’s about time the engraver was offered some variety rather than expecting him to inscribe the same set of letters year after year. It would also represent a well deserved gesture to one of the giants of Stonehaven Golf Club’s history, a humble gentleman who selflessly followed his junior championship victory as a 16 year old with a return to his Birmingham roots, purely to give others a chance. There’s little doubt that had this individual remained at the club he would have become a multiple winner of the club’s flagship tournament (in the event however he went to Birmingham Polytechnic, started drinking and didn’t pick up a golf club for another nineteen years, but that’s another story).

Further amendments to the club championship rules will be…

1) Tournament reduced from 72 holes to 3 holes (Bruce’s Corner ie. 1^st, 2^nd, 18^th)

2) Honorary lifetime membership awarded to the winner.

3) And complimentary stovies after every round.

New Rule #4

Fill in the gully

My great Uncle Eric (Soutar) was a member of Stonehaven GC for several years, during this time he was only once spotted playing the gully outside of a competitive round. He had zero appetite for the yomp down the path from the 13th tee and back again having teed off at the 15th. It used to miff me mightily when I'd be on a good score after twelve holes only to end up playing the field twice because Eric wouldn't play the gully. Now that I’m no longer a whipper snapper but instead a forty something with a bad back, I’m beginning to understand his stubborn reticence all those years ago. If records were produced regarding the least played holes on the course, the gully would come top by a mile. How many of us walk from the field or the 8th directly to the 16th tee instead of getting out the tie ropes and crampons? 

I therefore propose that the gully is flattened. We should appoint the council to fill in the gully with ten thousand tonnes of landfill and turf it over to create a perfectly flat walk across 13, 14 and 15. This initiative would be funded by the council since they'd be parking their waste on our property and we'd save them money since their hospitals wouldn't need to deal with sporadic heart attacks induced by wheezing pensioners hauling their trolleys up the 13th. In addition, the club will benefit from the extra years of subscription receipts members would contribute given the gully redesign would extend their lives by a couple of years minimum. I ain't stupid, I've costed this thing out and it makes absolute sense.

As a secondary proposal, were the committee so short sighted as to reject the gully landfill idea, I suggest we agree terms with a local taxi company to provide lifts across the gully at reduced fares. A two quid return fare doesn't appear excessive and to sweeten the tender process, taxi companies can provide lifts directly from the 15th green to the clubhouse for anyone inept enough to score more than +3 during the gully holes, and charge a fiver for the privilege. 10% of this fare will be donated to the club to cover wear and tear of the path alongside the railway line and 10% towards the Alex Russon Trust Fund in respect of royalty payments since I had the gumption to come up with the idea to start with.

New Rule #3

12th hole to become a par 5

Continuing my series of initiatives to improve the constitution of Stonehaven Golf Club, I bring you new rule number 3. But first of all, let’s take a look at some statistics:-

Number of years since I started playing the 12^th: 33

Approx number of times I’ve played the 12^th:      1,471

Number of times I’ve parred the 12^th:                  3

My average score on the 12^th:                             5.46

Number of times I’ve broken down and

wept on the 12th::                                                24

Number of balls I’ve pulled into the trees on

the bleedin’ 12^th:                                                 89

Number of times I’ve dreamt of blowing

up the 12^th:                                                          238

The 12^th is a pig of a hole, no question, and I hereby demand that it’s changed to a par 5 without any lengthening whatsoever, in fact I’m advocating that it’s reduced in length by forty yards. In a recent survey carried out by MORI, there was a 100% backing for this proposal (admittedly only involving me and my brother Stu who I voted for by proxy) and you can’t argue with bald facts like that.

In almost fifteen hundred attempts I’ve hit the green in regulation twice, both times three putting for bogey through pure shock. My three pars, which felt like birdies, were the result of two chip-ins and a conceded twenty footer when a matchplay opponent had already racked up an eight. It’s the only hole on the course I’ve never birdied and I’m fed up trying. Turn it into a par 5 pronto and get the course’s standard scratch upped to 67.